Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.


How To Fake Being Yourself: A Nihilist’s Guide To Crushing It

Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!

Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.

Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.

Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE.

Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!

Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY. 


Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.

Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Google Translate: Advert English

We know advertising copy can be tricky and misleading, and in today’s world, wouldn’t it be nice if someone  was on the side of the everyman? We here at Google are famously for the little guy, which is why we decided to add a new feature to our already-awesome Translate widget! Introducing Translate: Advert English! We’ve taken care of that burdensome “seeing through the lines” mumbo-jumbo that could easily go awry and made a simple way for you to make the best choices for you and your family. Take a look!

1. Olay Regenerist Luminous
Advert English- Detected
Pearlescent skin without drastic measures and fades the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
The dark skin under your eyes that looks like Sauron’s asshole may go away, but you’ll spend so much money on this stuff your hopeful attitude will make you glow. Give death the middle finger!

2. Coca-Cola
Advert English- Detected
Open Happiness

English- Translate
Open diabetes. 

3. Apple iPhone X
Advert English- Detected
Say hello to the future.

English- Translate
And hello to a Huxleyan dystopia!

4. QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse
Advert English- Detected
Burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder and charged you $4.00 a pill. There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but that’s okay: you don’t have time for human metabolism like normal people! 

5. Lattise
Advert English- Translate
Not enough lashes? Grow them with the first and only FDA-approved treatment for inadequate lashes!

English- Translate
Who knew you could have inadequacy issues about your eyelashes? Honestly, we just made it up to sell this weird goop Fred came up with in the lab one day and now you have one more thing to hyper-obsess about! Oops!

6. Monsanto
Advert English- Translate
Few industries have shown so much respect for the environment.

English- Translate
Respect to exploit it for a profoundly large profit, that is. Seriously, guys. We’re drowning in cash. But we make your food cheap. Do you really want to starve to death like other people? We don’t either!

The Best Spirit Animals for 2018

Is everyone bored of hearing about your tired old spirit animals? Are you in need of snazzing up your mojo? Low on genius ideas? Well, I’m here to help you out with the best new spirit animals to internalize so your 2018 has less chance of sucking!

1.  North American Opossum
Qualities: Bitey. Evokes terror when eating berries. Hangs out with other creatures of the night. Thrifty. Unusual, but cute AF rat-tail. Pointy teeth that really say, “My bite is worse than my bark, but I could still use a hug.”

Perfect for: Folks who like murder, snarly monsters, ugly things, forced hugs, people who want to push others away to validate their sense of unworthiness, and rodents of unusual sizes.

2. Parasites
Qualities: Dedicated. Tenacious. Committed. Accelerates plans for that “beach bod.”

Perfect for: Models with abandonment issues and aspiring models with abandonment issues.

3. Prairie Dog
Qualities: Hidey. Good digger. Resourceful. Lots of friends. Lives in a hole in the ground.

Perfect for: Ken Burns’ Dust Bowl fans.

4. Mallard Duck
Qualities: Can sleep while it floats. Has corkscrew dong. Shiny, iridescent feathers. Has lots of other duck friends. Has the cutest babies. Long, thin 20cm corkscrew dong. Mates for life.

Perfect for: Did I mention the dong? Seriously, guys. Why is that necessary?

5. Lobster
Qualities: Bottom feeder. Cannibalistic. Spiney and pinchy because they can’t process pain. Hard exoskeleton means impervious to any stimuli. Poor people used to eat them but now they can’t afford it. Salty.

Perfect for: Congress.

6. Panda
Qualities: Sleeps 22 hours a day. Wakes up only to bang and mass-consume bamboo. Presumably cuddly. Has a hidden pouch. Can wingman itself to get babes.

Perfect for: Overly positive people, Batman, and single people.

7. Martha Stewart
Qualities: Hangs out with Snoop Dogg. Bakes. Gets baked. Has +10 Resistance to Jail. Droll. Unironically says “Life is too complicated not to be orderly.”

Perfect for: Thugs who want to turn over a new leaf, boring people who want to turn over a new leaf, and people who tolerate other people turning over leaves.

8. That one gorilla who gave humans crabs 3 million years ago
Qualities: gave humans crabs.

Perfect for: people with crabs.

9. Salacious B. Crumb
Qualities: High tolerance for slugs, scum, and villainy. Entertaining and can make people laugh. Well-connected on Tatooine. “Knows people.” Small.

Perfect for: Totally not opaque obscurists.