Russian Twitter Bots Create Accidental Unity In the U.S.

Baltimore, MD. – Evidence points to Russian oligarchs buying ad space on Facebook, knowing where and how to target users for maximum impact ostensibly to create chaos in the United States, but that scare tactic appears to be failing. On a massive level. The ads focus on blowing racial tensions way out of the water, and creating a deep divide where there clearly wasn’t much of one before. “Everything was hunky-dory,” says lifelong Baltimore resident Joe Brown. “Really, things were great. On the up-and-up, I’d say. We all just had a giant city-wide picnic where we held hands. Hank brought his guitar, and we all sang.”

Not only is there mounting evidence for Russian ad-space on social media promoting racially charged propaganda, there is also increasing reports of socially active Twitter accounts being under the rule of the Ruskies. “Blacktivist” social media accounts promoting gun rights and “whitey scare tactics” have also been linked to the Russian government, undermining the Black Lives Matter movement and generally, stirring the pot when everyone is just trying to hunker down and survive the current administration.

The media has been losing credibility with the public in recent months, and with this new development discrediting black activists on Twitter, people are more united than ever. “Look, we are doing just fine here. Black and white folks just existing, albeit with mild terror not due to race or immigrants or anything. We’re all scared because of the unhinged rich guy in the Oval Office and I think that is something everyone can get behind,” Brown harrumphs before catching his bus to make it to his second janitor job on time.

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Inspiring Quotes My Leg Hair Taught Me

I’ve recently found myself in a rather existential place, and I wanted to share my breakthrough with all those ladies who think they can’t cut loose and really be who they are! Ladies, life is too short not to experience the world. Drink
life up to the fullest! Stop and smell the roses! Let your leg hair grow long
and free and really feel the sweet autumn breeze stir them as if they were tiny keratin dancers.

The pessimist complains about the
wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the leg hairs. – William Arthur Ward

I love the feeling of the fresh air
on my face and the wind blowing through my leg
hairs. – Evel Knievel

I can’t change the direction of the
wind, but I can adjust my leg hairs
to always reach my destination. – Jimmy Dean

Dirt makes a man look masculine.
Let your leg hair blow in the wind,
and all that. It’s OK. All you have to do is look neat when you have to look
neat. – Hedy Lamarr

Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside
down. Life is short. It can come and go like leg hairs in the wind. – Shania Twain

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the
small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind move your leg hairs. Live your life to
the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. – Ashley Smith

When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing
nothing – just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the
leg hairs, or waves rippling on a
pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park? – Ralph Marston

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while
the leg hairs survives by bending
with the wind. – Bruce Lee

A great wind is blowing, and that gives you either
imagination or jostled leg hairs. – Catherine
the Great

Inspiro for Selfies That Show Just How WELL-ADJUSTED You Are!

(Author’s note: this is a rewrite from a previously posted list. Currently in the middle of a satire writing class, and these lists are subject to feedback on a weekly basis, and thus, when rewrites happen, I feel compelled to publish the most up-to-date version because I think it’ll make me look good. For no one. But that’s fine….)

Are you stuck recycling the same old selfies? Concerts. Food trucks. Bachelorette parties. Lame!! It’s time to bust out that imagination, fam! There’s no wrong place to take a selfie and we’re going to give you some inspiration to up your selfie game and show people just how well-adjusted and free from attachment issues you are!

Commuting to Work
Why not make the most out of your hour-long commute into the office every morning and show your ex-boyfriend just how far you’ve moved on by getting in some selfie time with that early morning sunshine! Not only will you fill the time while bumper-to-bumper, you’ll also get some action shots of your sweet new BMW i3 which shows you do, in fact, have your life together unlike some people.

Homeless Shelter
It’s high time your mantra of “love thy neighbor” translated itself to your Instagram account with the help of the homeless on Sixth Street. Bring your iKlip Grip Pro with you when doing your court mandated community service and show those hobos how to selfie right. Taking photos of yourself doing charity work really conveys the depths of your altruism, and unlike a failed comedy career, your content is about other people.

Black Lives Matter Rally
OK. We know this can be a little racy but this could be the pivotal turning point for you. Not only are you throwing your support behind a cause that matters, but when you whip out your stick to selfie it up amidst the swelling crowd, you’re promoting awareness of a socially relevant hot-button issue. It also shows how totally cultured you are, and totally not just a hot chick who blew her intelligence load on you within the first 6 months, and is now just a fake smart girl because you can’t be hot and smart, Stacy.

Grandma Florence’s Funeral
Life is fleeting. Grandma Florence’s funeral mass isn’t, so use those hours attending her Catholic wake wisely by slipping in a quick final photo with Grams between the eulogies and the Rite of Committal. Nothing screams “I’m committed to love and family” quite like an open casket selfie. Not only will your commitment shine through, but definitely it will stir up some thoughts like “Maybe I was wrong?” and, “Holy shit, I think I’ve made a mistake, look how dedicated Stacy is…”  

Delivery Room
Ah, yes! The miracle of childbirth is probably something everyone will encounter at some point in our lives whether it’s a niece or nephew, or your own offspring! If you find yourself in a family way, take advantage of the hours-long labor process to document your journey into parenthood by chronicling how glamorous the delivery room can be with some epidural-fueled selfies. Show everyone how much they’re missing out by capturing such a great experience, and what a colossal fucking mistake he made suddenly leaving you 2 days after singing “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain to you over a romantic candle-lit dinner and chickening out after one therapy session and good luck in LA, asshole!
___

Feel free to really let loose and use your imagination! The freer you are, the more you’ll show people just how much you’ve moved on and how successful you are!

Smart Tech for Your Period

Code red! Our periods are complicated enough! Why be content to merely endure them when you can conquer them! Smart tech is the new way to intuitively deal with complex issues in a simplified, streamlined way so here are some great new devices to help you get a grip on your uterus!

SmartFlo
Do more with your period than just leak menses all over the place! SmartFlo not only collects your flow, it also collects information so you’re always clued in! With the

SmartFlo

App, you’ll get daily notifications on your platelet count, cholesterol and glucose levels, weather alerts, and updates on whether your Hep C has subsided or not! With the Comprehensive Metabolic Panel,

SmartFlo

can also perform a comprehensive metabolic panel so you’ll always know the chemical balance of your body just when you’re at your most capable of added stress! Period smarter!

CabanaBoi
“Are you on your period or something?” are words specially programmed to never be uttered in the new CabanaBoi (narrated by Channing Tatum)! CabanaBoi always knows when you’re on the rag because you’ve synced him to your cycle using your FitBit and your iPhone. CabanaBoi can be programmed to fit your needs any time during your cycle from PMS to that one week a month where you’re a hormonally-balanced human person again! Wine and chocolates? No problem! Weather reports? Sure thing, m’lady. Rom-coms all day? Just let CabanaBoi be the man to satisfy all your needs. Unlike your ex-boyfriend!

Intelli-Zit
When it comes to parting the Red Seas, nothing is more annoying than the gargantuan face planets that herald the arrival of Aunt Flow. Not only is your period hell-bent on decimating your delicate insides, it also wants to decimate your outsides. Take control with Intelli-Zit and its patent-pending pimple-removing smart tech. You’ll be rid of those pesky blemishes as quick as you can say “Intelli-Zit” with no trace of any personal horrors left over, once the scabs fall off. Get weather updates while you zap, so you can moisturize accordingly and bravely face the day! 

Don’t let recurring nightmares of puberty in middle school ruin your fun ever again!

SweatSmart
Bloating making you feel like a be-jeaned sausage when you go to work? Cramps making you a little stabby on the subway? Girl, we feel you. That’s why SweatSmart are the pants for you when it’s Shark Week and there’s blood and chum in your metaphorical and literal water. They look like jeans, but are made of ultra-comfy stretchy sweatpants material that reheat automatically when fully charged. Take that, rage-inducing and debilitating cramps! Your co-workers will no longer wonder if this time you’ll rip their fucking heads off when they see you stroll in with your SweatSmart pants. One size fits most. Weather App optional.

With your Smart Home technology, these tech solutions for the Red Wedding means you’ll always have the solutions you need to not murder everyone.

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Ode to a Metaphor: This Basil Plant is My Life 

Fragrant, verdant, lush, and admittedly infested with fruit-flies, this basil plant brought with it joy and hope from the moment I brought it home: sitting on the windowsill soaking up the golden rays of the afternoon sun with its chlorophyll receptors, it was a symbol of prosperity and contentment. How many happy hours spent tending its needs, hoping the bare minimum of water and sunlight were the only things required for it to flourish! How many dreams of delicious pesto! How many covetous, wasted hours holding onto those ambrosia leaves yearning for an ever-increasingly higher yield, hoarding something so temporary as a fucking store-bought basil plant! Ah, delicious, delicious basil…

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Et tu, Brute? How quickly the mighty fall, et-cetera and so forth.

In a short span of time and severe lack of accountability and not paying attention to things I really should have, the basil plant withered and died. Gone was the Life from its happy disposition, and in its wake, Death’s brown hands crept along it’s stalks and stems, stealing life and replacing it with putrefaction. Innocent white buds so full of hope died and blackened atop their lofty perches. Stiff and rigid with Death, the leaves no longer thickly jostled and tickled the senses, but whispered haunted memories of life and promises banished from existence and dashed to the floor.

Grief-stricken and not more than a little aware that this plant was made manifest of mistakes and regrets, my failures and my inability to do anything fucking right, my ineptitude and unworthiness, harried by neglect, abuse and self-loathing and thoughts of “why me?”, I placed the basil outside to deal with it later.

Ah, Metaphor! Alack!

Anguish overtook me and I retreated to my bed to hide from the world, to bury my mistakes and despair and scream into tear absorbing blankets. Possibilities and promises as yet unfulfilled haunted me in my waking moments and in my dreams: if only I had been more diligent, more self-aware. If only I had appreciated what it was that I had, in the moment, and not taken it for granted like I promised I wouldn’t… if only… 

Days passed as uneventfully as days do when grief overtakes you. One morning after a freak thunderstorm electrified the night, Life called to me and roused me from my bedridden state. I opened the back door which was previously heretofore closed not only on the basil plant-cum-failings as a human being, but on all Life itself, and… lo! A stem had re-discovered the green swirling beneath the decay! Life had miraculously found a way to overcome Death! Beyond all logic and reason! Flaunting laws of biology and physics and even some planes of metaphysics! Life had returned, and all was not as it seemed! All was not lost! Hope returned! Time was all that was needed to breathe Life into something gone and neglected and abused and sad. Time was where I went astray, and ironically it was all that was required to rejuvenate failed dreams, the only salve the plant and I needed. There, all along. Time!

Metaphor! Can I never escape you? Are you to be my constant companion?

My life is this basil plant. This basil plant is my life.

Also, gotta be real honest… could have done without all this grief and pain to get the lesson, Universe. Thanks. Fuck you, too. Asshole. And now I have a shrink to go with my basil plant. Great.

10 Fool-Proof Social Media Actions That Reverse #ClimateChange!

1. Make sure to use the hashtag #itslit to call attention to rising ocean
temperatures and massive species die off!

2. Create a
new Instagram account to document all the new wacky weather patterns showing up
around the world!

3. Use the
trending green Facebook profile photo filter to show the world at-a-glance
you’re on the right side of complex social issues.

4. Now that
Snapchat snaps last longer than the ice-caps, you can document the last of
remaining polar bears for your followers!

5. Download
the Pintrest app on your newest iPhone, and start a board to collect other
people’s creative new ideas to “Go Green!”

6. Sharing
is caring… for the environment, so make sure everyone knows 80% of the Great
Barrier Reef is dead from bleaching by hitting that “Share” button.

7. Retweet
those #climatechange memes to cause a stir to rouse others into action!

8. Send “Thoughts and Prayers” to victims of catastrophic
natural disasters by liking a popular tweet someone else wrote.

9. Think about other like-minded celebrity Twitter accounts you
could follow, like @LeoDiCaprio!

10. Nod in agreement at threads of comments on Al Gore’s latest
statement on reddit.