(Author’s note: this is a rewrite from a previously posted list. Currently in the middle of a satire writing class, and these lists are subject to feedback on a weekly basis, and thus, when rewrites happen, I feel compelled to publish the most up-to-date version because I think it’ll make me look good. For no one. But that’s fine….)
Are you stuck recycling the same old selfies? Concerts. Food trucks. Bachelorette parties. Lame!! It’s time to bust out that imagination, fam! There’s no wrong place to take a selfie and we’re going to give you some inspiration to up your selfie game and show people just how well-adjusted and free from attachment issues you are!
Commuting to Work
Why not make the most out of your hour-long commute into the office every morning and show your ex-boyfriend just how far you’ve moved on by getting in some selfie time with that early morning sunshine! Not only will you fill the time while bumper-to-bumper, you’ll also get some action shots of your sweet new BMW i3 which shows you do, in fact, have your life together unlike some people.
It’s high time your mantra of “love thy neighbor” translated itself to your Instagram account with the help of the homeless on Sixth Street. Bring your iKlip Grip Pro with you when doing your court mandated community service and show those hobos how to selfie right. Taking photos of yourself doing charity work really conveys the depths of your altruism, and unlike a failed comedy career, your content is about other people.
Black Lives Matter Rally
OK. We know this can be a little racy but this could be the pivotal turning point for you. Not only are you throwing your support behind a cause that matters, but when you whip out your stick to selfie it up amidst the swelling crowd, you’re promoting awareness of a socially relevant hot-button issue. It also shows how totally cultured you are, and totally not just a hot chick who blew her intelligence load on you within the first 6 months, and is now just a fake smart girl because you can’t be hot and smart, Stacy.
Grandma Florence’s Funeral
Life is fleeting. Grandma Florence’s funeral mass isn’t, so use those hours attending her Catholic wake wisely by slipping in a quick final photo with Grams between the eulogies and the Rite of Committal. Nothing screams “I’m committed to love and family” quite like an open casket selfie. Not only will your commitment shine through, but definitely it will stir up some thoughts like “Maybe I was wrong?” and, “Holy shit, I think I’ve made a mistake, look how dedicated Stacy is…”
Ah, yes! The miracle of childbirth is probably something everyone will encounter at some point in our lives whether it’s a niece or nephew, or your own offspring! If you find yourself in a family way, take advantage of the hours-long labor process to document your journey into parenthood by chronicling how glamorous the delivery room can be with some epidural-fueled selfies. Show everyone how much they’re missing out by capturing such a great experience, and what a colossal fucking mistake he made suddenly leaving you 2 days after singing “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain to you over a romantic candle-lit dinner and chickening out after one therapy session and good luck in LA, asshole!
Feel free to really let loose and use your imagination! The freer you are, the more you’ll show people just how much you’ve moved on and how successful you are!