Smart Tech for Your Period

Code red! Our periods are complicated enough! Why be content to merely endure them when you can conquer them! Smart tech is the new way to intuitively deal with complex issues in a simplified, streamlined way so here are some great new devices to help you get a grip on your uterus!

Do more with your period than just leak menses all over the place! SmartFlo not only collects your flow, it also collects information so you’re always clued in! With the


App, you’ll get daily notifications on your platelet count, cholesterol and glucose levels, weather alerts, and updates on whether your Hep C has subsided or not! With the Comprehensive Metabolic Panel,


can also perform a comprehensive metabolic panel so you’ll always know the chemical balance of your body just when you’re at your most capable of added stress! Period smarter!

“Are you on your period or something?” are words specially programmed to never be uttered in the new CabanaBoi (narrated by Channing Tatum)! CabanaBoi always knows when you’re on the rag because you’ve synced him to your cycle using your FitBit and your iPhone. CabanaBoi can be programmed to fit your needs any time during your cycle from PMS to that one week a month where you’re a hormonally-balanced human person again! Wine and chocolates? No problem! Weather reports? Sure thing, m’lady. Rom-coms all day? Just let CabanaBoi be the man to satisfy all your needs. Unlike your ex-boyfriend!

When it comes to parting the Red Seas, nothing is more annoying than the gargantuan face planets that herald the arrival of Aunt Flow. Not only is your period hell-bent on decimating your delicate insides, it also wants to decimate your outsides. Take control with Intelli-Zit and its patent-pending pimple-removing smart tech. You’ll be rid of those pesky blemishes as quick as you can say “Intelli-Zit” with no trace of any personal horrors left over, once the scabs fall off. Get weather updates while you zap, so you can moisturize accordingly and bravely face the day! 

Don’t let recurring nightmares of puberty in middle school ruin your fun ever again!

Bloating making you feel like a be-jeaned sausage when you go to work? Cramps making you a little stabby on the subway? Girl, we feel you. That’s why SweatSmart are the pants for you when it’s Shark Week and there’s blood and chum in your metaphorical and literal water. They look like jeans, but are made of ultra-comfy stretchy sweatpants material that reheat automatically when fully charged. Take that, rage-inducing and debilitating cramps! Your co-workers will no longer wonder if this time you’ll rip their fucking heads off when they see you stroll in with your SweatSmart pants. One size fits most. Weather App optional.

With your Smart Home technology, these tech solutions for the Red Wedding means you’ll always have the solutions you need to not murder everyone.


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