This Week in Headlines for October 30, 2017

1.
Martha Stewart’s Recipe for Disaster
2. Local Fight for Best Haunted House Ends in Horror
3. Cheap Costumes Are Ruining the Fabric of America
4. Tech Bro Engineers ‘Soylent,’ Upholding Time-Honored Tradition of Avoiding
Human Food
5. Ladies: Don’t Be a Fucking Cunt About Feminism
6. After Drawn-Out Battle, Indian Burial Grounds to Be Awarded Reservation
Status
7. Trending Twitter Hashtag Encourages Outdoor Activity
8. Coincidence of Hurricane Named After Shakespeare Play Lost on Untold Millions
9. New Rapunzel Tell-All: “I Don’t Just Let My Hair Down, I Let Down the People
in My Life”
10. Trump Declares Opioid Addiction A ‘National Crisis’ from Inside President’s
Chinese Opium Den

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Local Fight for Best Haunted House Ends in Horror

MISSION VIEJO, CA – Residents of a sleepy Southern California town are shocked when
a seemingly friendly rivalry between local home haunters which ended in
bloodshed on Halloween night. Events came to a head Tuesday night after John
Bailey and Ralph Doolittle took to the streets to settle the outcome for who
won this year’s contest for “Best Overall Haunt.” What appeared to be high-quality
Halloween props turned out to be actual weapons after an argument came to blows
over a miscounted absentee ballot for Best Haunted House. The count was too
close to call, and when a tie-breaker was necessary, Mr Bailey began hurling
insults at Mr Doolittle’s “pathetic” display. What happened next was described
by eye-witnesses as the best live-action Halloween Haunt anyone had seen in
recent memory. Both Bailey and Doolittle were posthumously awarded a tie for “Best
in Gore” for 2017.

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Woman Emerges from “Fuck Fog” to Life in Utter Ruin

Nantucket, MA— A disheveled,
unkempt Nantucket woman was found wandering the streets of her neighborhood on
Saturday after reportedly emerging from what concerned neighbors called a “fuck
fog.” Not having been seen outside for weeks, Gailynn Parks’ sudden
disappearance shocked co-workers, family, and the tight-knit Pocomo neighborhood
she calls home. Known as a socially active single woman, Parks was the owner of
a thriving flower delivery business, and was involved with local charities
including a part time Meals on Wheels driver. In recent months, Ms Parks has
also been heavily invested in Tinder, and would check her phone with increasing
regularity, neighbors said. It became such a problem, work started to suffer as
her constant Tinder usage absorbed her data which left her unable to
communicate with her business.

Last month, Ms Parks failed to show up for her scheduled Meals on Wheels shift,
which concerned her co-workers, who have always known Gailynn to be prompt. “She
just dropped off the face of the planet,” said Roberta Halley, Ms Parks manager
at Meals on Wheels. “Those old folks needed her. And she failed them.” The
flower delivery business also suffered greatly, as inventory went several weeks
without anyone attending to the flower nursery and must be replanted at a great
cost. Ms Parks is unsure if her business can recover, and the recent instability
lost her the only remaining source of income at Meals on Wheels. “It just came
over me,” Ms Parks said, dazed and shocked standing in the ruins of her once flourishing
life. “One minute, I was sexting, and the next… all I could think about was
cock.” Ms Parks ‘fuck fog’ apparently ended when she was finally able to fuck
the shit out of her Tinder date. “I feel free,” she said through sobs.

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Totally Not Tone-Deaf Video Game Marketing Tweets

Assassinate the competition with these sick new gaming peripherals!

Defile your way to the top when you wear these tight looking esports jerseys!

Surprise-murder your way into victory with ease when you purchase this sweet camo-skinned gaming console!

Shoot your way to the front-lines with this new first-person shooter game set in a real war that actually happened with real people, woah!

Get jacked and slay your way into the winner’s circle when you drink this energy drink made from real bull piss! Alright!

Fuel up and kill your enemies with death when you eat special gamer-engineered microwaveable snacks!

Obliterate the life from the opposition with this slick new gaming chair! Let’s go!

Crush the skulls of your enemies when you wear this special headgear designed to electromagnetically keep normal human functions at bay!

Relieve yourself AND the competition

when you buy this hella tight new gaming catheter!

Assault-rifle your way into the pages of history! 

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Young Actress Heartbroken She Missed Out on Weinstein Success Shortcut

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Aspiring young actress Pamela Grace is
reportedly crushingly disappointed over the barrage of successful actresses
coming forward with their stories of sexual assault at the hands of Harvey
Weinstein, a powerful Hollywood producer. Ms Grace has expressed dismay at
having her thoroughly planned out skyrocketing journey to stardom turn into a
regular old slog involving lots of hard work, luck, and staggering amounts of
talent. “What am I supposed to do now?” she bemoaned. “I don’t have time to do
it the old-fashioned way!” Indeed, at the time of this writing, Ms Grace had
fallen into a deep depression, and was considering a new career as a secretary.