Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.


Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Google Translate: Advert English

We know advertising copy can be tricky and misleading, and in today’s world, wouldn’t it be nice if someone  was on the side of the everyman? We here at Google are famously for the little guy, which is why we decided to add a new feature to our already-awesome Translate widget! Introducing Translate: Advert English! We’ve taken care of that burdensome “seeing through the lines” mumbo-jumbo that could easily go awry and made a simple way for you to make the best choices for you and your family. Take a look!

1. Olay Regenerist Luminous
Advert English- Detected
Pearlescent skin without drastic measures and fades the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
The dark skin under your eyes that looks like Sauron’s asshole may go away, but you’ll spend so much money on this stuff your hopeful attitude will make you glow. Give death the middle finger!

2. Coca-Cola
Advert English- Detected
Open Happiness

English- Translate
Open diabetes. 

3. Apple iPhone X
Advert English- Detected
Say hello to the future.

English- Translate
And hello to a Huxleyan dystopia!

4. QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse
Advert English- Detected
Burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder and charged you $4.00 a pill. There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but that’s okay: you don’t have time for human metabolism like normal people! 

5. Lattise
Advert English- Translate
Not enough lashes? Grow them with the first and only FDA-approved treatment for inadequate lashes!

English- Translate
Who knew you could have inadequacy issues about your eyelashes? Honestly, we just made it up to sell this weird goop Fred came up with in the lab one day and now you have one more thing to hyper-obsess about! Oops!

6. Monsanto
Advert English- Translate
Few industries have shown so much respect for the environment.

English- Translate
Respect to exploit it for a profoundly large profit, that is. Seriously, guys. We’re drowning in cash. But we make your food cheap. Do you really want to starve to death like other people? We don’t either!

The Best Spirit Animals for 2018

Is everyone bored of hearing about your tired old spirit animals? Are you in need of snazzing up your mojo? Low on genius ideas? Well, I’m here to help you out with the best new spirit animals to internalize so your 2018 has less chance of sucking!

1.  North American Opossum
Qualities: Bitey. Evokes terror when eating berries. Hangs out with other creatures of the night. Thrifty. Unusual, but cute AF rat-tail. Pointy teeth that really say, “My bite is worse than my bark, but I could still use a hug.”

Perfect for: Folks who like murder, snarly monsters, ugly things, forced hugs, people who want to push others away to validate their sense of unworthiness, and rodents of unusual sizes.

2. Parasites
Qualities: Dedicated. Tenacious. Committed. Accelerates plans for that “beach bod.”

Perfect for: Models with abandonment issues and aspiring models with abandonment issues.

3. Prairie Dog
Qualities: Hidey. Good digger. Resourceful. Lots of friends. Lives in a hole in the ground.

Perfect for: Ken Burns’ Dust Bowl fans.

4. Mallard Duck
Qualities: Can sleep while it floats. Has corkscrew dong. Shiny, iridescent feathers. Has lots of other duck friends. Has the cutest babies. Long, thin 20cm corkscrew dong. Mates for life.

Perfect for: Did I mention the dong? Seriously, guys. Why is that necessary?

5. Lobster
Qualities: Bottom feeder. Cannibalistic. Spiney and pinchy because they can’t process pain. Hard exoskeleton means impervious to any stimuli. Poor people used to eat them but now they can’t afford it. Salty.

Perfect for: Congress.

6. Panda
Qualities: Sleeps 22 hours a day. Wakes up only to bang and mass-consume bamboo. Presumably cuddly. Has a hidden pouch. Can wingman itself to get babes.

Perfect for: Overly positive people, Batman, and single people.

7. Martha Stewart
Qualities: Hangs out with Snoop Dogg. Bakes. Gets baked. Has +10 Resistance to Jail. Droll. Unironically says “Life is too complicated not to be orderly.”

Perfect for: Thugs who want to turn over a new leaf, boring people who want to turn over a new leaf, and people who tolerate other people turning over leaves.

8. That one gorilla who gave humans crabs 3 million years ago
Qualities: gave humans crabs.

Perfect for: people with crabs.

9. Salacious B. Crumb
Qualities: High tolerance for slugs, scum, and villainy. Entertaining and can make people laugh. Well-connected on Tatooine. “Knows people.” Small.

Perfect for: Totally not opaque obscurists.


This Headless Mouse Is My Dreams: Explorations in Metaphor

There comes a time in every human person’s life when one must reflect on the dreams held over from youth after they invariably don’t pan out, and ask the eternal, age-old question: Why is it dry and crusty?

Where did it’s head go?

How did it get out here into the open? I could have sworn I put it in the corpse pile with the other dead mice… have I lost control of my life?

I can’t seem to escape this dehydrated ex-mouse. It torments me, haunts me, secretly snags on my fall sweater and dragged around for hours until I notice its presence and return it to the dead mouse pile, only to repeat the cycle once more because I don’t learn from my fucking lessons like every good human person trying to Life. Everywhere I turn, there are reminders that my once vital and adorable dreams have withered and died, like my looks and the collagen in my skin. And, like youth itself, my dreams do not stand up to the test of time: falling woefully short (and short-sighted) and terrifyingly apparent in only the way the Internet knows how to remind us. Damn you, Al Gore.

What kind of shit-show is my life that iridescent flies are the highlight? Perhaps the gem-colored insect is the newest, more grounded dreams of adulthood; the latest iteration of my dreams on the heels of of a broken heart, portending some great catharsis on-scale with Krakatoa. The flashing, brilliant, considerably scaled-down re-imagining of what I had thought I had wanted for myself…

Was I so wrong? How could I have been so off the mark as to think what I wanted was really what I wanted and not the dreams of others? Lo, I did not want society’s mice dreams: I wanted dreams of the fly! The small, irritating, barely perceptible unless its on your food fly! Am I free? Have I broken from the chains the mouse has put on me and no longer seek to glorify all things cute and fuzzy? I AM NOT THE MOUSE.


(Fun Theon-cat fact: when Mommy discovered this Hessian Soldier of the Backyard, I was very proud. Gonna be real honest: I’m a macabre lady of the night when it suits me, and seeing this pre-murdered mousies’ struggle continue well past death gave me a strange comfort. It never ends, for any of us, and no one gets out alive. Sweet blissful other-side-of-nihilism. But really, nihilism is just a fucking gateway and for those of you out there who fucking think nihilism is now super cool because of a cartoon are missing the fucking point of nihilism *cough*neckbeards*cough*… whatever I’m moving on, it’s fucking fine. Go away.)

Totally Not Tone-Deaf Video Game Marketing Tweets


Assassinate the competition with these sick new gaming peripherals!

Defile your way to the top when you wear these tight looking esports jerseys!

Surprise-murder your way into victory with ease when you purchase this sweet camo-skinned gaming console!

Shoot your way to the front-lines with this new first-person shooter game set in a real war that actually happened with real people, woah!

Get jacked and slay your way into the winner’s circle when you drink this energy drink made from real bull piss! Alright!

Fuel up and kill your enemies with death when you eat special gamer-engineered microwaveable snacks!

Obliterate the life from the opposition with this slick new gaming chair! Let’s go!

Crush the skulls of your enemies when you wear this special headgear designed to electromagnetically keep normal human functions at bay!

Relieve yourself AND the competition

when you buy this hella tight new gaming catheter!

Assault-rifle your way into the pages of history!