Olay Regenerist Luminous: Pearlescent skin without drastic measures, Olay
Regenerist Luminous Collection penetrates 10 surface cell layers deep and fades
the look of dark spots.
Ladies, we don’t know what the chemicals in this
made-up product actually do to your skin, but as long as you glow like a
fucking pearl on the outside, who gives a shit? Legit: you won’t feel so out of
place when you go out to any new bar when you’ve got that dewy Generation Z bullshit
look everyone has a boner for. Sure, it’s so expensive it’s probably going to
eat into all the savings for your convertible, but if you can prolong the
inevitable decline of your youth and the crushing loss of attention and
eventual discarding awaiting older women in our society, it is so worth it.
Give death the middle finger when you buy Olay Regenerist Luminous.
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QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse: This advanced, 2-part antioxidant system helps to
burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.
We literally just took what normal, healthy human bodies are supposed to do,
slapped it on a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder, and charged you $4.00 a
pop! There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but who gives a shit? We sure don’t!
We’re almost 100% positive that boost of confidence when you think our shit is
working makes you more attractive, but take our pills anyway because, fuck it! Your
time is way too valuable to wait around for human metabolism like other people!
Live like every day is gym day with QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse.
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Max Factor Color Correcting Cream: Gorgeous, flawless coverage while caring for
your skin. I am perfected.
Let’s get real super quick: your skin is not
what it used to be when you were 18, and we fucking know it. We know you see
it, too. We know there’s only so many days a week you can tell yourself the
reason why the dark skin under your eyes looks like Sauron’s asshole is because
you “didn’t sleep well.” When you spend this much money on makeup, you deserve
to call yourself “perfect,” which you should do often. You deserve looks worthy
of Internet celebrity fame and extensive access to Photoshop for each of your
iPhone photos. Youth will leave you only through your cold dead hands when you
buy our makeup, you almost-perfect creature, you.