The Best Spirit Animals for 2018

Is everyone bored of hearing about your tired old spirit animals? Are you in need of snazzing up your mojo? Low on genius ideas? Well, I’m here to help you out with the best new spirit animals to internalize so your 2018 has less chance of sucking!

1.  North American Opossum
Qualities: Bitey. Evokes terror when eating berries. Hangs out with other creatures of the night. Thrifty. Unusual, but cute AF rat-tail. Pointy teeth that really say, “My bite is worse than my bark, but I could still use a hug.”

Perfect for: Folks who like murder, snarly monsters, ugly things, forced hugs, people who want to push others away to validate their sense of unworthiness, and rodents of unusual sizes.

2. Parasites
Qualities: Dedicated. Tenacious. Committed. Accelerates plans for that “beach bod.”

Perfect for: Models with abandonment issues and aspiring models with abandonment issues.

3. Prairie Dog
Qualities: Hidey. Good digger. Resourceful. Lots of friends. Lives in a hole in the ground.

Perfect for: Ken Burns’ Dust Bowl fans.

4. Mallard Duck
Qualities: Can sleep while it floats. Has corkscrew dong. Shiny, iridescent feathers. Has lots of other duck friends. Has the cutest babies. Long, thin 20cm corkscrew dong. Mates for life.

Perfect for: Did I mention the dong? Seriously, guys. Why is that necessary?

5. Lobster
Qualities: Bottom feeder. Cannibalistic. Spiney and pinchy because they can’t process pain. Hard exoskeleton means impervious to any stimuli. Poor people used to eat them but now they can’t afford it. Salty.

Perfect for: Congress.

6. Panda
Qualities: Sleeps 22 hours a day. Wakes up only to bang and mass-consume bamboo. Presumably cuddly. Has a hidden pouch. Can wingman itself to get babes.

Perfect for: Overly positive people, Batman, and single people.

7. Martha Stewart
Qualities: Hangs out with Snoop Dogg. Bakes. Gets baked. Has +10 Resistance to Jail. Droll. Unironically says “Life is too complicated not to be orderly.”

Perfect for: Thugs who want to turn over a new leaf, boring people who want to turn over a new leaf, and people who tolerate other people turning over leaves.

8. That one gorilla who gave humans crabs 3 million years ago
Qualities: gave humans crabs.

Perfect for: people with crabs.

9. Salacious B. Crumb
Qualities: High tolerance for slugs, scum, and villainy. Entertaining and can make people laugh. Well-connected on Tatooine. “Knows people.” Small.

Perfect for: Totally not opaque obscurists.