Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day to day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-nazi girl.

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyonce throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buy herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addition into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts. 

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How To Fake Being Yourself: A Nihilist’s Guide To Crushing It

Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!

Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.

Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.

Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE. 

Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!  

Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY.  
 

How To Fake Being Yourself: A Nihilist’s Guide To Crushing It

Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!

Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.

Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.

Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE.

Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!

Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY. 

2017: The Year of Progress

After so much scandal, it is so brave of Roy Moore to still
be in the running for Senate. If he’s elected, he’ll be the first openly pedophiliac
Republican in Congress! How progressive! How moving! How proud I am to be an
American! Gosh, who knew that 2017 would be the year pedos can “be out” about a
topic usually reserved for the criminally inclined and socially rejected? What
was previously taboo and universally thought of as disgraceful is now something
to be accepted, minimized, and glossed in favor of the bigger issue of partisan
politics! I mean, it’s better than a Democrat, amirite? 

We always hear liberals talk about how “openly gay people” can do things in the
military now, and “transgendered people have rights now because they’re still
technically humans I guess” … but what about the forgotten, discarded, and condemned
among us? Where are your liberal tendencies when it comes to sexual predators,
pedophiles, and racists? Hmmmm?

We shouldn’t discriminate against different types of predators out there! I say
we should promote inclusivity for everyone: gay, straight, old, young, pedos,
and pedants. I say we should embrace all manner of socially unfit folks and hold
them to different standards so long as they promote our own personal
opinionated agendas!

If we can have a sexual predator holding the highest office
in the land, then surely that kind of progressive thinking can extend to a Senator
for Alabama. 2017: the year of progress! What a time to be alive!

Monologue Jokes 12.07.17

Police in Massachusetts have arrested two men they say ran a
prostitution ring out of a senior living facility. According to the old folks,
this gives rise to a new meaning for “Early Bird Special.”

The US has declared North Korea a State Sponsor of Terror. To
the delight of Terror, North Korea joins the other sponsors: Vlad the Impaler, Robespierre,
and Hitler.

Mike Huckabee says the media and congressional Democrats are
touting the guilty plea of Michael Flynn to “distract” the nation
from much more important issues. It was reported when he made this statement
that Mr Huckabee was looking in a mirror.

A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into a tree and light
pole before hitting a Florida beach and breaking his leg. According to the girl’s
mom, this has been the biggest let-down since figuring out Santa wasn’t real.

Police in Australia released security camera footage of a
man smashing his way into an adult entertainment store and absconding with a
life-sized sex doll. He was planning on doing another type of smashing later
that night.