Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!
Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.
Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.
Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE.
Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!
Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY.