How To Fake Being Yourself: A Nihilist’s Guide To Crushing It

Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!

Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.

Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.

Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE.

Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!

Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY. 



Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.

Google Translate: Advert English

We know advertising copy can be tricky and misleading, and in today’s world, wouldn’t it be nice if someone  was on the side of the everyman? We here at Google are famously for the little guy, which is why we decided to add a new feature to our already-awesome Translate widget! Introducing Translate: Advert English! We’ve taken care of that burdensome “seeing through the lines” mumbo-jumbo that could easily go awry and made a simple way for you to make the best choices for you and your family. Take a look!

1. Olay Regenerist Luminous
Advert English- Detected
Pearlescent skin without drastic measures and fades the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
The dark skin under your eyes that looks like Sauron’s asshole may go away, but you’ll spend so much money on this stuff your hopeful attitude will make you glow. Give death the middle finger!

2. Coca-Cola
Advert English- Detected
Open Happiness

English- Translate
Open diabetes. 

3. Apple iPhone X
Advert English- Detected
Say hello to the future.

English- Translate
And hello to a Huxleyan dystopia!

4. QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse
Advert English- Detected
Burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder and charged you $4.00 a pill. There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but that’s okay: you don’t have time for human metabolism like normal people! 

5. Lattise
Advert English- Translate
Not enough lashes? Grow them with the first and only FDA-approved treatment for inadequate lashes!

English- Translate
Who knew you could have inadequacy issues about your eyelashes? Honestly, we just made it up to sell this weird goop Fred came up with in the lab one day and now you have one more thing to hyper-obsess about! Oops!

6. Monsanto
Advert English- Translate
Few industries have shown so much respect for the environment.

English- Translate
Respect to exploit it for a profoundly large profit, that is. Seriously, guys. We’re drowning in cash. But we make your food cheap. Do you really want to starve to death like other people? We don’t either!

Local HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

BEL AIR, CA – Women residing in the exclusive neighborhood of Bel Air in Los
Angeles are subject to strict new rules regarding the manicure and maintenance
of their pubic hair after a spelling error made its way into the official
guidelines on Wednesday. The Home Owners Association said that while the
initial oversight was inadvertent, they have decided to make the most of it and
have begun to work on how to enforce the hidden blight on society, ensuring
female bush trimmings happen with regularity. “We have regulations on how we
want our property to look and if you move into this neighborhood, you move with
full knowledge that lawns are to be mowed, and shrubbery is to be maintained
for the overall benefit of the neighborhood,” said Walt Walker, a 50-year
resident of Bel Air. “This seems to be a natural evolution of beautification
for the public good.”

Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”

If Google Translate Worked on Advertising

English- Detected

Olay Regenerist Luminous: Pearlescent skin without drastic measures, Olay
Regenerist Luminous Collection penetrates 10 surface cell layers deep and fades
the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
Ladies, we don’t know what the chemicals in this
made-up product actually do to your skin, but as long as you glow like a
fucking pearl on the outside, who gives a shit? Legit: you won’t feel so out of
place when you go out to any new bar when you’ve got that dewy Generation Z bullshit
look everyone has a boner for. Sure, it’s so expensive it’s probably going to
eat into all the savings for your convertible, but if you can prolong the
inevitable decline of your youth and the crushing loss of attention and
eventual discarding awaiting older women in our society, it is so worth it.
Give death the middle finger when you buy Olay Regenerist Luminous. 

Ad English- Detected
QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse: This advanced, 2-part antioxidant system helps to
burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took what normal, healthy human bodies are supposed to do,
slapped it on a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder, and charged you $4.00 a
pop! There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but who gives a shit? We sure don’t!
We’re almost 100% positive that boost of confidence when you think our shit is
working makes you more attractive, but take our pills anyway because, fuck it! Your
time is way too valuable to wait around for human metabolism like other people!
Live like every day is gym day with QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse.

Ad English- Translate
Max Factor Color Correcting Cream: Gorgeous, flawless coverage while caring for
your skin. I am perfected.


Let’s get real super quick: your skin is not
what it used to be when you were 18, and we fucking know it. We know you see
it, too. We know there’s only so many days a week you can tell yourself the
reason why the dark skin under your eyes looks like Sauron’s asshole is because
you “didn’t sleep well.” When you spend this much money on makeup, you deserve
to call yourself “perfect,” which you should do often. You deserve looks worthy
of Internet celebrity fame and extensive access to Photoshop for each of your
iPhone photos. Youth will leave you only through your cold dead hands when you
buy our makeup, you almost-perfect creature, you.

Headlines for the Week of November 5th

1. Aspiring Actress Angry Over Harvey Weinstein Fallout
2. Buzzfeed Now Quoted As Reputable News Source
3. Trump’s America Is So Bad, Napa Valley Wine Self-Immolated
4. Three Year Old Mad At Father For Not Listening; Dad Still Confused
5. Things That Are Just As Easy (And Just As Bad For You) As Messaging Your Ex
6. Failed Part Time Model Depressed Modeling Didn’t Fix Depression
7. Male Executive Offended At Being Held To Double Standard
8. New Study: Having Testicles Don’t Make You Tough, They Make You Defensive
9. Startup or Day Care?
10. New Evidence Uncovers Human Rights Are Finite