Hey fellas, it’s been a hot minute since the whole #MeToo thing started so
I felt it was time we circle back around, have a pow-wow, and give you some
pointers on what you’re doing super
well. It’s only fair in this climate what with being afraid to be alone with us
these days. So here are some ideas for things you guys should totally keep doing.
What girl doesn’t love being scared shitless by a bleating honk? And we totally
feel so flattered by your catcalling all the time regardless of what we’re
wearing. It obviously works, because even though it seems like we get upset and roll our eyes, we are totally just playing
hard to get. So clearly, when faced with stonewalling, you should keep doing it
with increasing intensity. We find ambiguity works really well in scoring with
Circling us in any wheeled vehicle makes us feel super weak and powerless. Obviously,
we love that feeling, because that
means you can then swoop in and save us (and we all just want dudes to rescue
us all the time, so we can quit work to sit at home eating bon-bons and taking Insta
selfies.) Sure, you’re saving us from you being a gross predator, but it’s not
like we’re smart enough to know that!
We love when you tell us what we should do, and how we should dress. Look, it’s
not like we are wearing low-cut shirts because we love our décolletages or
think ladies have cool fashion sense. Everything we do from the moment we wake up
to the moment we hit the sheets is for your attention. Sure, you may not know
the difference between a smokey eye and a perfectly winged liner, but that doesn’t
matter. It’s for you anyway! Nothing feels better than seeking validation from
a gender who can’t tell when we cut our goddammed hair.
Mmmm… it feels just so good when you
tell us how wrong we are for feeling sad or hurt, or any other range of
emotions felt by human beings. Nothing gets us going more than being dismissed
constantly. I mean, we have periods, after all. And those yucky things get our
hormones all wacko, so it’s probably not too far a stretch to think that our
sad feelings are irrationally connected to our estrogen levels. Tip: we fucking
love hearing “I’m sorry if…” Not only do you look super manly
by passing the blame off on us for reacting emotionally, but you also never
really apologize so that means you’re always right. Fucking hot.
Knowing how to be a decent human being isn’t always easy in
this quasi-pre-post- #MeToo movement. We hope this helps you navigate the tricky
waters without fear of being wrongly accused of being a total cock.