This Headless Mouse Is My Dreams: Explorations in Metaphor

There comes a time in every human person’s life when one must reflect on the dreams held over from youth after they invariably don’t pan out, and ask the eternal, age-old question: Why is it dry and crusty?

Where did it’s head go?

How did it get out here into the open? I could have sworn I put it in the corpse pile with the other dead mice… have I lost control of my life?

I can’t seem to escape this dehydrated ex-mouse. It torments me, haunts me, secretly snags on my fall sweater and dragged around for hours until I notice its presence and return it to the dead mouse pile, only to repeat the cycle once more because I don’t learn from my fucking lessons like every good human person trying to Life. Everywhere I turn, there are reminders that my once vital and adorable dreams have withered and died, like my looks and the collagen in my skin. And, like youth itself, my dreams do not stand up to the test of time: falling woefully short (and short-sighted) and terrifyingly apparent in only the way the Internet knows how to remind us. Damn you, Al Gore.

What kind of shit-show is my life that iridescent flies are the highlight? Perhaps the gem-colored insect is the newest, more grounded dreams of adulthood; the latest iteration of my dreams on the heels of of a broken heart, portending some great catharsis on-scale with Krakatoa. The flashing, brilliant, considerably scaled-down re-imagining of what I had thought I had wanted for myself…

Was I so wrong? How could I have been so off the mark as to think what I wanted was really what I wanted and not the dreams of others? Lo, I did not want society’s mice dreams: I wanted dreams of the fly! The small, irritating, barely perceptible unless its on your food fly! Am I free? Have I broken from the chains the mouse has put on me and no longer seek to glorify all things cute and fuzzy? I AM NOT THE MOUSE.


(Fun Theon-cat fact: when Mommy discovered this Hessian Soldier of the Backyard, I was very proud. Gonna be real honest: I’m a macabre lady of the night when it suits me, and seeing this pre-murdered mousies’ struggle continue well past death gave me a strange comfort. It never ends, for any of us, and no one gets out alive. Sweet blissful other-side-of-nihilism. But really, nihilism is just a fucking gateway and for those of you out there who fucking think nihilism is now super cool because of a cartoon are missing the fucking point of nihilism *cough*neckbeards*cough*… whatever I’m moving on, it’s fucking fine. Go away.)


Totally Not Tone-Deaf Video Game Marketing Tweets


Assassinate the competition with these sick new gaming peripherals!

Defile your way to the top when you wear these tight looking esports jerseys!

Surprise-murder your way into victory with ease when you purchase this sweet camo-skinned gaming console!

Shoot your way to the front-lines with this new first-person shooter game set in a real war that actually happened with real people, woah!

Get jacked and slay your way into the winner’s circle when you drink this energy drink made from real bull piss! Alright!

Fuel up and kill your enemies with death when you eat special gamer-engineered microwaveable snacks!

Obliterate the life from the opposition with this slick new gaming chair! Let’s go!

Crush the skulls of your enemies when you wear this special headgear designed to electromagnetically keep normal human functions at bay!

Relieve yourself AND the competition

when you buy this hella tight new gaming catheter!

Assault-rifle your way into the pages of history! 


Local HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

BEL AIR, CA – Women residing in the exclusive neighborhood of Bel Air in Los
Angeles are subject to strict new rules regarding the manicure and maintenance
of their pubic hair after a spelling error made its way into the official
guidelines on Wednesday. The Home Owners Association said that while the
initial oversight was inadvertent, they have decided to make the most of it and
have begun to work on how to enforce the hidden blight on society, ensuring
female bush trimmings happen with regularity. “We have regulations on how we
want our property to look and if you move into this neighborhood, you move with
full knowledge that lawns are to be mowed, and shrubbery is to be maintained
for the overall benefit of the neighborhood,” said Walt Walker, a 50-year
resident of Bel Air. “This seems to be a natural evolution of beautification
for the public good.”

Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”

If Google Translate Worked on Advertising

English- Detected

Olay Regenerist Luminous: Pearlescent skin without drastic measures, Olay
Regenerist Luminous Collection penetrates 10 surface cell layers deep and fades
the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
Ladies, we don’t know what the chemicals in this
made-up product actually do to your skin, but as long as you glow like a
fucking pearl on the outside, who gives a shit? Legit: you won’t feel so out of
place when you go out to any new bar when you’ve got that dewy Generation Z bullshit
look everyone has a boner for. Sure, it’s so expensive it’s probably going to
eat into all the savings for your convertible, but if you can prolong the
inevitable decline of your youth and the crushing loss of attention and
eventual discarding awaiting older women in our society, it is so worth it.
Give death the middle finger when you buy Olay Regenerist Luminous. 

Ad English- Detected
QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse: This advanced, 2-part antioxidant system helps to
burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took what normal, healthy human bodies are supposed to do,
slapped it on a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder, and charged you $4.00 a
pop! There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but who gives a shit? We sure don’t!
We’re almost 100% positive that boost of confidence when you think our shit is
working makes you more attractive, but take our pills anyway because, fuck it! Your
time is way too valuable to wait around for human metabolism like other people!
Live like every day is gym day with QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse.

Ad English- Translate
Max Factor Color Correcting Cream: Gorgeous, flawless coverage while caring for
your skin. I am perfected.


Let’s get real super quick: your skin is not
what it used to be when you were 18, and we fucking know it. We know you see
it, too. We know there’s only so many days a week you can tell yourself the
reason why the dark skin under your eyes looks like Sauron’s asshole is because
you “didn’t sleep well.” When you spend this much money on makeup, you deserve
to call yourself “perfect,” which you should do often. You deserve looks worthy
of Internet celebrity fame and extensive access to Photoshop for each of your
iPhone photos. Youth will leave you only through your cold dead hands when you
buy our makeup, you almost-perfect creature, you.

Headlines for the Week of November 5th

1. Aspiring Actress Angry Over Harvey Weinstein Fallout
2. Buzzfeed Now Quoted As Reputable News Source
3. Trump’s America Is So Bad, Napa Valley Wine Self-Immolated
4. Three Year Old Mad At Father For Not Listening; Dad Still Confused
5. Things That Are Just As Easy (And Just As Bad For You) As Messaging Your Ex
6. Failed Part Time Model Depressed Modeling Didn’t Fix Depression
7. Male Executive Offended At Being Held To Double Standard
8. New Study: Having Testicles Don’t Make You Tough, They Make You Defensive
9. Startup or Day Care?
10. New Evidence Uncovers Human Rights Are Finite

The IOC Announces Addition of Mental Gymnastics to Olympic Summer Games in 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fox News, current favored star of the US
Mental Gymnastics Team, is gearing up for the most intense training of its’ career
as the Mueller investigation begins rolling out its first indictments Monday. While
other networks offered extensive coverage of Paul Manafort’s surrender to the
FBI, Fox News doubled down on their efforts to distract, deflect, and mislead
and instead spent 10 whole minutes at peak viewership time discussing a new
burger emoji found on Google. At first glance, anchors seemed uneasy and
visibly unsure, the network stayed the course and managed to pull off one of
the most incredible feats in Mental Gymnastics in recent memory. Leading the
charge with a new favored diversion method known around the Internet called “The
Cheeseburger,” this bold strategy garnered attention and admiration from the US
Mental Gymnastics Association, who is pinning the hope Fox News can go the
distance and bring home the gold in 2020.