Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.

image
Advertisements

Google Translate: Advert English

We know advertising copy can be tricky and misleading, and in today’s world, wouldn’t it be nice if someone  was on the side of the everyman? We here at Google are famously for the little guy, which is why we decided to add a new feature to our already-awesome Translate widget! Introducing Translate: Advert English! We’ve taken care of that burdensome “seeing through the lines” mumbo-jumbo that could easily go awry and made a simple way for you to make the best choices for you and your family. Take a look!


1. Olay Regenerist Luminous
Advert English- Detected
Pearlescent skin without drastic measures and fades the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
The dark skin under your eyes that looks like Sauron’s asshole may go away, but you’ll spend so much money on this stuff your hopeful attitude will make you glow. Give death the middle finger!


2. Coca-Cola
Advert English- Detected
Open Happiness

English- Translate
Open diabetes. 


3. Apple iPhone X
Advert English- Detected
Say hello to the future.

English- Translate
And hello to a Huxleyan dystopia!


4. QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse
Advert English- Detected
Burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder and charged you $4.00 a pill. There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but that’s okay: you don’t have time for human metabolism like normal people! 


5. Lattise
Advert English- Translate
Not enough lashes? Grow them with the first and only FDA-approved treatment for inadequate lashes!

English- Translate
Who knew you could have inadequacy issues about your eyelashes? Honestly, we just made it up to sell this weird goop Fred came up with in the lab one day and now you have one more thing to hyper-obsess about! Oops!


6. Monsanto
Advert English- Translate
Few industries have shown so much respect for the environment.

English- Translate
Respect to exploit it for a profoundly large profit, that is. Seriously, guys. We’re drowning in cash. But we make your food cheap. Do you really want to starve to death like other people? We don’t either!

If Google Translate Worked on Advertising

Ad
English- Detected

Olay Regenerist Luminous: Pearlescent skin without drastic measures, Olay
Regenerist Luminous Collection penetrates 10 surface cell layers deep and fades
the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
Ladies, we don’t know what the chemicals in this
made-up product actually do to your skin, but as long as you glow like a
fucking pearl on the outside, who gives a shit? Legit: you won’t feel so out of
place when you go out to any new bar when you’ve got that dewy Generation Z bullshit
look everyone has a boner for. Sure, it’s so expensive it’s probably going to
eat into all the savings for your convertible, but if you can prolong the
inevitable decline of your youth and the crushing loss of attention and
eventual discarding awaiting older women in our society, it is so worth it.
Give death the middle finger when you buy Olay Regenerist Luminous. 

Ad English- Detected
QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse: This advanced, 2-part antioxidant system helps to
burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took what normal, healthy human bodies are supposed to do,
slapped it on a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder, and charged you $4.00 a
pop! There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but who gives a shit? We sure don’t!
We’re almost 100% positive that boost of confidence when you think our shit is
working makes you more attractive, but take our pills anyway because, fuck it! Your
time is way too valuable to wait around for human metabolism like other people!
Live like every day is gym day with QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse.

Ad English- Translate
Max Factor Color Correcting Cream: Gorgeous, flawless coverage while caring for
your skin. I am perfected.

English-
Translate

Let’s get real super quick: your skin is not
what it used to be when you were 18, and we fucking know it. We know you see
it, too. We know there’s only so many days a week you can tell yourself the
reason why the dark skin under your eyes looks like Sauron’s asshole is because
you “didn’t sleep well.” When you spend this much money on makeup, you deserve
to call yourself “perfect,” which you should do often. You deserve looks worthy
of Internet celebrity fame and extensive access to Photoshop for each of your
iPhone photos. Youth will leave you only through your cold dead hands when you
buy our makeup, you almost-perfect creature, you.

This Week in Headlines for October 30, 2017

1.
Martha Stewart’s Recipe for Disaster
2. Local Fight for Best Haunted House Ends in Horror
3. Cheap Costumes Are Ruining the Fabric of America
4. Tech Bro Engineers ‘Soylent,’ Upholding Time-Honored Tradition of Avoiding
Human Food
5. Ladies: Don’t Be a Fucking Cunt About Feminism
6. After Drawn-Out Battle, Indian Burial Grounds to Be Awarded Reservation
Status
7. Trending Twitter Hashtag Encourages Outdoor Activity
8. Coincidence of Hurricane Named After Shakespeare Play Lost on Untold Millions
9. New Rapunzel Tell-All: “I Don’t Just Let My Hair Down, I Let Down the People
in My Life”
10. Trump Declares Opioid Addiction A ‘National Crisis’ from Inside President’s
Chinese Opium Den

Woman Emerges from “Fuck Fog” to Life in Utter Ruin

Nantucket, MA— A disheveled,
unkempt Nantucket woman was found wandering the streets of her neighborhood on
Saturday after reportedly emerging from what concerned neighbors called a “fuck
fog.” Not having been seen outside for weeks, Gailynn Parks’ sudden
disappearance shocked co-workers, family, and the tight-knit Pocomo neighborhood
she calls home. Known as a socially active single woman, Parks was the owner of
a thriving flower delivery business, and was involved with local charities
including a part time Meals on Wheels driver. In recent months, Ms Parks has
also been heavily invested in Tinder, and would check her phone with increasing
regularity, neighbors said. It became such a problem, work started to suffer as
her constant Tinder usage absorbed her data which left her unable to
communicate with her business.

Last month, Ms Parks failed to show up for her scheduled Meals on Wheels shift,
which concerned her co-workers, who have always known Gailynn to be prompt. “She
just dropped off the face of the planet,” said Roberta Halley, Ms Parks manager
at Meals on Wheels. “Those old folks needed her. And she failed them.” The
flower delivery business also suffered greatly, as inventory went several weeks
without anyone attending to the flower nursery and must be replanted at a great
cost. Ms Parks is unsure if her business can recover, and the recent instability
lost her the only remaining source of income at Meals on Wheels. “It just came
over me,” Ms Parks said, dazed and shocked standing in the ruins of her once flourishing
life. “One minute, I was sexting, and the next… all I could think about was
cock.” Ms Parks ‘fuck fog’ apparently ended when she was finally able to fuck
the shit out of her Tinder date. “I feel free,” she said through sobs.

image

Construction Firm Behind “Doomed” Millennium Tower Post Profits for Q3; “Most Desired” Live Space in SF

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The construction firm behind the beleaguered Millennium Tower high-rise condominium in the South of Market neighborhood in San Francisco has reported being in black for the 5th consecutive month in spite of the fact that the building is sinking and tilting north by north-west at an impressive rate. Even more impressive than the sinking rate into the liquefaction zone beneath the shining glass tower is the recent award given to Millennium Tower as the “Most Desired” place to live in San Francisco for 2017. “It’s charmingly idiosyncratic, a bit of old San Francisco,” says Noelle Jones, resident of the Millennium Tower and a recent transplant to the City by the Bay. Jones says she paid over market price for her north-facing 1-bedroom condo. With a wait-list over 100 names long, the $500k price-tag was “a real steal,” according to Jones. “Because of the lean in the building, I can roll my wine from my kitchen to my living room. It’s a great party trick!” Meanwhile, the construction firm’s lawsuit against San Francisco, blaming their faulty engineering on the city’s simultaneous construction, rages on.

EASIER WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU BESIDES DOING COMEDY

Making
people laugh feels really good, and everyone likes to have funny people around.
But comedy is so hard. And let’s face
it: you’re more of a “sit there and look pretty” kinda gal at heart, right? So
why even bother trying to be funny when you can just bank on other things to
make friends? I’ve got some suggestions for things you can do to get people to
like you that are so much easier than doing comedy. 

Focus on your looks
Smile more: People don’t like it when you look like a raging
bitch with PMS. Fake tits are becoming less expensive and more socially
acceptable. Have you considered invasive surgery to correct God’s mistakes? And
your recycled one-liners are flatter than your ass. Have you thought about the
Stair-Master to beef up your buns? At least we’d have something nice to look at
while we ignore your jokes. I mean, you really should pick between hot and
smart, and clearly you don’t have a whole lot of depth on the subjects you
claim you’re interested in, so why not just pick hot? And silent.

Stop being opinionated and argumentative
No, everything isn’t terrible, you’re fine! Why don’t you
just take my word for it? While we’re here: maybe stop crying and do a little
more work on making other people feel OK around you. I’m getting a little
bitter how easily you’re coasting through life! If I hear you say something
about “The Patriarchy” one more time, I swear to God… it isn’t funny! You
just sound like an ungrateful, bitter bitch. No one wants that around. You know
what we do want around? Someone who
smiles more. 

Play video games
Dudes LOVE a laid-back chick who can game with them for 10
hours on the weekend. Just ignore those misogynistic jokes everyone else gets
to repeat for hours on-end about how much of a stereotype you are playing a
healer and how you can’t aim. Turn the other cheek, sweetie. That’s agreeable.
Oh, but hold on. You don’t get to
make jokes back: it’s not funny when you
make sexist jokes– it’s just plain mean and ruins team morale. Focus on aiming
better. 

Stop pretending
Clearly, you don’t know any joke structure which means you don’t like comedy. My extensive studying of comedy tells me that, otherwise I’d be laughing more and you’d be trying more.

I
mean, if you really liked comedy, why aren’t you taking writing and improv classes? Hmmm? Why don’t you just get into cosplay? You’re hot. Man, I wish I could take off my clothes and get paid. You girls have it easy!

Womanly activities are more agreeable
Why not get into baking and cooking? Everyone likes a chick
who can cook! Why not do that? You obviously put more effort into making dinner
than you do making jokes. On second thought: cooking takes up too much time.
Why not just curate a Pintrest board of great brunch places you can take your
friends to? But for the love of God: DO NOT start in on the half-baked attempts
at social commentary and “hipster” jokes you’re trying to work on. No one likes
a Debbie Downer. Shut up and drink your $16 grapefruit mimosa.

image