Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.



Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Google Translate: Advert English

We know advertising copy can be tricky and misleading, and in today’s world, wouldn’t it be nice if someone  was on the side of the everyman? We here at Google are famously for the little guy, which is why we decided to add a new feature to our already-awesome Translate widget! Introducing Translate: Advert English! We’ve taken care of that burdensome “seeing through the lines” mumbo-jumbo that could easily go awry and made a simple way for you to make the best choices for you and your family. Take a look!

1. Olay Regenerist Luminous
Advert English- Detected
Pearlescent skin without drastic measures and fades the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
The dark skin under your eyes that looks like Sauron’s asshole may go away, but you’ll spend so much money on this stuff your hopeful attitude will make you glow. Give death the middle finger!

2. Coca-Cola
Advert English- Detected
Open Happiness

English- Translate
Open diabetes. 

3. Apple iPhone X
Advert English- Detected
Say hello to the future.

English- Translate
And hello to a Huxleyan dystopia!

4. QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse
Advert English- Detected
Burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder and charged you $4.00 a pill. There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but that’s okay: you don’t have time for human metabolism like normal people! 

5. Lattise
Advert English- Translate
Not enough lashes? Grow them with the first and only FDA-approved treatment for inadequate lashes!

English- Translate
Who knew you could have inadequacy issues about your eyelashes? Honestly, we just made it up to sell this weird goop Fred came up with in the lab one day and now you have one more thing to hyper-obsess about! Oops!

6. Monsanto
Advert English- Translate
Few industries have shown so much respect for the environment.

English- Translate
Respect to exploit it for a profoundly large profit, that is. Seriously, guys. We’re drowning in cash. But we make your food cheap. Do you really want to starve to death like other people? We don’t either!

Local HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

BEL AIR, CA – Women residing in the exclusive neighborhood of Bel Air in Los
Angeles are subject to strict new rules regarding the manicure and maintenance
of their pubic hair after a spelling error made its way into the official
guidelines on Wednesday. The Home Owners Association said that while the
initial oversight was inadvertent, they have decided to make the most of it and
have begun to work on how to enforce the hidden blight on society, ensuring
female bush trimmings happen with regularity. “We have regulations on how we
want our property to look and if you move into this neighborhood, you move with
full knowledge that lawns are to be mowed, and shrubbery is to be maintained
for the overall benefit of the neighborhood,” said Walt Walker, a 50-year
resident of Bel Air. “This seems to be a natural evolution of beautification
for the public good.”

Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”

The IOC Announces Addition of Mental Gymnastics to Olympic Summer Games in 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fox News, current favored star of the US
Mental Gymnastics Team, is gearing up for the most intense training of its’ career
as the Mueller investigation begins rolling out its first indictments Monday. While
other networks offered extensive coverage of Paul Manafort’s surrender to the
FBI, Fox News doubled down on their efforts to distract, deflect, and mislead
and instead spent 10 whole minutes at peak viewership time discussing a new
burger emoji found on Google. At first glance, anchors seemed uneasy and
visibly unsure, the network stayed the course and managed to pull off one of
the most incredible feats in Mental Gymnastics in recent memory. Leading the
charge with a new favored diversion method known around the Internet called “The
Cheeseburger,” this bold strategy garnered attention and admiration from the US
Mental Gymnastics Association, who is pinning the hope Fox News can go the
distance and bring home the gold in 2020.