Things Dudes Should Totally Keep Doing

Hey fellas, it’s been a hot minute since the whole #MeToo thing started so
I felt it was time we circle back around, have a pow-wow, and give you some
pointers on what you’re doing super
well. It’s only fair in this climate what with being afraid to be alone with us
these days. So here are some ideas for things you guys should totally keep doing.

Catcalling/Honking
What girl doesn’t love being scared shitless by a bleating honk? And we totally
feel so flattered by your catcalling all the time regardless of what we’re
wearing. It obviously works, because even though it seems like we get upset and roll our eyes, we are totally just playing
hard to get. So clearly, when faced with stonewalling, you should keep doing it
with increasing intensity. We find ambiguity works really well in scoring with
men.

Vulturing
Circling us in any wheeled vehicle makes us feel super weak and powerless. Obviously,
we love that feeling, because that
means you can then swoop in and save us (and we all just want dudes to rescue
us all the time, so we can quit work to sit at home eating bon-bons and taking Insta
selfies.) Sure, you’re saving us from you being a gross predator, but it’s not
like we’re smart enough to know that!

Unsolicited Opinions
We love when you tell us what we should do, and how we should dress. Look, it’s
not like we are wearing low-cut shirts because we love our décolletages or
think ladies have cool fashion sense. Everything we do from the moment we wake up
to the moment we hit the sheets is for your attention. Sure, you may not know
the difference between a smokey eye and a perfectly winged liner, but that doesn’t
matter. It’s for you anyway! Nothing feels better than seeking validation from
a gender who can’t tell when we cut our goddammed hair.

Gaslighting
Mmmm… it feels just so good when you
tell us how wrong we are for feeling sad or hurt, or any other range of
emotions felt by human beings. Nothing gets us going more than being dismissed
constantly. I mean, we have periods, after all. And those yucky things get our
hormones all wacko, so it’s probably not too far a stretch to think that our
sad feelings are irrationally connected to our estrogen levels. Tip: we fucking
love hearing “I’m sorry if…” Not only do you look super manly
by passing the blame off on us for reacting emotionally, but you also never
really apologize so that means you’re always right. Fucking hot.  

Knowing how to be a decent human being isn’t always easy in
this quasi-pre-post- #MeToo movement. We hope this helps you navigate the tricky
waters without fear of being wrongly accused of being a total cock.

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100% Logical Reasons Why You Should Have an Artist for a Girlfriend

Dudes: we know the term “artist” is a loaded word. And yet, your dick can’t
help it: you like the crazy. It’s exciting! Like letting a Tasmanian Devil loose
on your peanut butter-covered kielbasa. But we’ve all heard the ol’ adage: don’t
stick your dick in crazy. Well, horse-feathers to that, this is 2018
motherfuckers! In case your friends are leaning heavily towards an intervention
for your sanity and the health of your 100% all-beef thermometer, we’ve got a
list of reasons why you should be dating
that hot artist chick who works part-time at a café.

Living with her would be a breeze!
In between those tumultuous, hurricane-like fits of emotionally trying
meltdowns, life with an artist can be worthwhile, and sometimes even fun! Sure,
you gotta hunker down behind a couch and throw chocolate bars and wine at your
artist lady when she goes ape-shit because “no one understands” more than a few
times a week. But your house would look awesome and clean, and let’s be real:
the woman can cook. It’s a net-neutral
in our book!

Your sex-life would be the object of
envy with your dude-bros.
Let’s face it: most of your friends complain incessantly about how little
sex they get. Well, they clearly aren’t dating an artist! Artists are known for
being emotionally unstable and sexually versatile which means quality and quantity! You won’t be hearing any
of that “You want me to do WHAT?” bullshit from your artist girlfriend! You’d
be hard-pressed to find a time when your trouser meat had that much attention.

Her overthinking tendencies
could power a locomotive!
Sure, we may think we want someone who is easy to get along with, but that’s
proven to be boring in the long-run. An artist over-analyzes, over-thinks, self-destructs,
and cries constantly, but with that comes self-awareness! Who doesn’t love a
chick who knows when she’s being a
neurotic cupcake! Silver lining? She’ll feel bad about mistreating you when you
gaslight her, so she’ll be sure to give your yogurt slinger some extra love. Yes!!

Artists eschew “mainstream”
commerce! 
Once your artist girlfriend teaches you the meaning of “eschew,” you’ll be
grateful knowing your wallet is safe! Artists are infamous for being contrary,
and your girlfriend is no exception. She shops at thrift stores! And while this
may be an issue for you if you decide to take her to a fancy dinner, rest
assured she’s got a “Fancy Person Dinner Costume” for just the occasion. The
only down-side to that is the boner-shrinking attribution of “costume” to
normal clothes, but with the post-champagne knob-slobbing that’ll happen, it’s
not that bad. 

We’ve taken the myth out of what it’s like dating an artist, and while your
sanity may still be in question, what’s not in question is the copious amounts
of copulating that’ll happen if you decide to throw caution to the wind. Good
luck, fellas!

Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.

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Monologue Jokes 2.2.18

An Alabama man has been accused of repeatedly sexually molesting a horse after its owner believes she found evidence of his crimes left behind in a barn stall. The horse’s owners have since reported the addition of the Animal Chapter of the #MeToo Movement.

President Trump said that he wouldn’t call himself a “feminist” in a new interview with Piers Morgan, Morgan said Saturday. Most American’s wouldn’t call Trump a “president” either. 

An Indiana restaurant owner has been arrested on felony charges after a customer found a baggie of cocaine in their order of cheese sticks. According to police, the only reason the owner was arrested was because there wasn’t enough coke for everyone.

A New York pizzeria is offering a nontoxic alternative to the “Tide Pod Challenge” with mini pizzas created to resemble the laundry detergent pods. This wouldn’t be the first time a New York pizzeria has taken advantage of stupid people.

Trump claimed on Sunday polar ice caps are at “a record
level” despite ice caps reaching record low. According to the White House,
a record is still a record, and they’ll take a win where they can make one up.

Police in Florida said they arrested a man who was caught on camera stealing exotic fish from a pet store by shoving them down his pants, giving rise to a new meaning for blowfish.

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Ornithological Observations of Online Dating, an Introduction

The number of potential males found in the dating pool is staggering. Like the noble, iconic peacock (or sundry brightly-feathered tropical birds doing similar-wise for that matter), the myriad ways in which they display themselves is diverse and fascinating. So many potential mates in the world! On a human level, one understands: of course you would wish to present the best of yourself! Dazzling, immaculately plumed images made to entice a mate to your side. All in the hopes of building a huge, Bald Eagle-type nest to rival all others in the area.

Please do understand: I am by no means besmirching the age-old art of attraction.

Ornithologically, it is well-known females generally have more to lose when mating with an inferior male. Taking the lead from our fine feathered friends, to make sense of mating displays and weed out the genetic undesirable mates, like Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum I have come to take inventory and categorize. For science.

– Dudes with Dogs (identified via copious, adorable dog photos)

– Dudes with Other Animals (varieties include: cats, sloths, giraffes, dolphins, etc.)

– Nude Dudes (varieties include: butt-shots, abs-shots, flexing-in-mirror shots)

– Mirror Selfie Men (identified by clothed male reflection in a mirror)

– “How Are You?” Guys (applies only to first message contact; subsequent messages excluded)

– Music Fest Dudes (identifying features include messy hair, large crowds, PBR, inebriation, Coachella)

– Outdoor Dudes (identified via any and all activity outdoors; varieties include camping, rock climbing, hiking, jumping off waterfalls, surfing, etc.)

– Tech Bros (variety of images identified so far: ubiquitous plaid shirt photo, glasses, mentions software in profile copy)

– Deep Dudes (identified via poetry quotes in profile copy, meditation in profile copy)

– Yoga/Meditation Guys (identified via chiseled physique, shirtless headstands, Warrior 2 beach shots, manbuns)

– Sports Dudes (varieties identified so far: volley ball, basketball, boccie ball; pending further observation & research)

– Car Dudes (variety of images found include go-karts, racing cars, motorcycles, limos, etc.)

– “Foodie” Dudes (hypothesis: the larger the plate of food, the better? 34 days, no tangible results)

– Vague/Mysterious Dudes (identified via no profile picture/no profile copy)

– Axe To Grind Dudes (identified via emotionally negative dating profile listing ultimatums, demands, mansplaining expectations, rules, dos/don’ts, blatant egoism, shirking responsibility, and emotional avoidism)

This concludes the first cursory study of males found in the online dating community. Subsequent entries of this sort will refer back to this initial document for cataloging purposes; later tagging and sorting features applied as further research concludes.

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Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day to day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-nazi girl.

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyonce throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buy herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addition into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts. 

How To Fake Being Yourself: A Nihilist’s Guide To Crushing It

Do you feel empty inside? Does the crushing weight of existential dread haunt you from the moment you wake up drenched in cold sweat next to a partner you only pretended to love so you wouldn’t feel alone? Panicked you don’t know who you are or what the purpose of your life is or even where it’s going? Stop worrying you’ll never fit in because you never will! Everything is made up and it’s all empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless! Here’s some tips on how to fake being yourself so you can stop panicking!

Cultivate your online presence.
We hear all the time how online profiles for dating and social media are “fake” and not authentic: come the fuck on! That’s the point! So embrace it! “Join the conversation” or whatever. Use those Hipstamatic filters so your blemishes disappear! Take selfies from the one angle that makes your chin gobbles go away. Do cool adventurous things that look cool in photos. It’s not like you ever go outside, so it really doesn’t matter if your Facebook or Tinder profiles aren’t reflective of who you are. Who are you, really? You don’t fucking know! NO ONE DOES. EVER. And it doesn’t even matter: who you are now is not the same person you’ll be in a year! SO LET ‘ER RIP, FRIENDO.

Internalize “Nothing Matters”: especially when it comes to your appearance.
Really. No one gives a shit what you’re wearing. You know that makeup you spent thousands of dollar on in the hopes of taking some Insta pics that are on-fleek? DOESN’T MATTER. We’re all fucking terrified of being judged, but in order for that to happen, people have to stop thinking about themselves for one fucking minute in order to judge you. AND THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So relax! No one is even thinking about you enough to judge you. So wear whatever the fuck you want because YOU want to. See? Isn’t that freeing? You’re welcome.

Double-down on things you think you like.
If you don’t like things, an arbitrary answer is about as reasonable as spending copious amounts of time considering your opinions. It’s all meaningless, and if no one is paying that much attention to you, why not like things simply for the fact that you do? Do you need a thesis on why you like local microbreweries? Fuck no you don’t! And fuck anyone who tells you that what you like is just to “look good”: those people are so terrified of other people, they forgot everyone just thinks about themselves, and they are totally projecting on you! Tell them to fuck off! So party it up, and revel in how clever you are for making up your own personality! LOOK HOW FREE YOU ARE. 

Your personality sucks. Choose another adventure.
Yep. Your personality sucks, and you know it. Plagued by anxiety and video game “addiction,” constantly worried about the future. Well guess what? THE FUTURE ISN’T HERE YET. It’ll NEVER be here. All you ever have is this moment: where you are, what you’re wearing, as you read this. It’s all you have. FUCKING TERRIFYING, RIGHT? If the world ends right fucking now, would you be stoked about the kind of asshole you are? Probably not. So why not choose to not be an asshole? Or double-down and be the biggest asshole! Who cares?! PARTAAAY!!  

Decide what kind of person you’ll be today. Rinse. Repeat.
Look. Real talk here: just because you went to bed an asshole doesn’t mean you have to keep being an asshole the following day. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. You can choose to hold on to grudges and slights and other stupid bullshit if you’re really vibing on that victim bullshit. But no one wants to hang around whiny people all day. So why not drop your shitty anger problems and whatever else you think you are, and pick up like, a rainbow unicorn for your new spirit animal? You can totally have a sparkly rainbow unicorn for your spirit animal because whomever the fuck tells you that unicorns aren’t real have a tenuous grasp on “real” to begin with and you can tell them with all the imagined authority in the Universe to fuck right off because NOTHING MATTERS. Be the sparkly, vibrant rainbow unicorn you are. Who cares?! PRECISELY.