Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.


Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Local HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

BEL AIR, CA – Women residing in the exclusive neighborhood of Bel Air in Los
Angeles are subject to strict new rules regarding the manicure and maintenance
of their pubic hair after a spelling error made its way into the official
guidelines on Wednesday. The Home Owners Association said that while the
initial oversight was inadvertent, they have decided to make the most of it and
have begun to work on how to enforce the hidden blight on society, ensuring
female bush trimmings happen with regularity. “We have regulations on how we
want our property to look and if you move into this neighborhood, you move with
full knowledge that lawns are to be mowed, and shrubbery is to be maintained
for the overall benefit of the neighborhood,” said Walt Walker, a 50-year
resident of Bel Air. “This seems to be a natural evolution of beautification
for the public good.”

If Google Translate Worked on Advertising

English- Detected

Olay Regenerist Luminous: Pearlescent skin without drastic measures, Olay
Regenerist Luminous Collection penetrates 10 surface cell layers deep and fades
the look of dark spots.

English- Translate
Ladies, we don’t know what the chemicals in this
made-up product actually do to your skin, but as long as you glow like a
fucking pearl on the outside, who gives a shit? Legit: you won’t feel so out of
place when you go out to any new bar when you’ve got that dewy Generation Z bullshit
look everyone has a boner for. Sure, it’s so expensive it’s probably going to
eat into all the savings for your convertible, but if you can prolong the
inevitable decline of your youth and the crushing loss of attention and
eventual discarding awaiting older women in our society, it is so worth it.
Give death the middle finger when you buy Olay Regenerist Luminous. 

Ad English- Detected
QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse: This advanced, 2-part antioxidant system helps to
burn calories during the day and cleanse and detox at night.

English- Translate
We literally just took what normal, healthy human bodies are supposed to do,
slapped it on a huge bottle of pressed placebo powder, and charged you $4.00 a
pop! There goes your daily Starbucks latte, but who gives a shit? We sure don’t!
We’re almost 100% positive that boost of confidence when you think our shit is
working makes you more attractive, but take our pills anyway because, fuck it! Your
time is way too valuable to wait around for human metabolism like other people!
Live like every day is gym day with QuickTrim Burn & Cleanse.

Ad English- Translate
Max Factor Color Correcting Cream: Gorgeous, flawless coverage while caring for
your skin. I am perfected.


Let’s get real super quick: your skin is not
what it used to be when you were 18, and we fucking know it. We know you see
it, too. We know there’s only so many days a week you can tell yourself the
reason why the dark skin under your eyes looks like Sauron’s asshole is because
you “didn’t sleep well.” When you spend this much money on makeup, you deserve
to call yourself “perfect,” which you should do often. You deserve looks worthy
of Internet celebrity fame and extensive access to Photoshop for each of your
iPhone photos. Youth will leave you only through your cold dead hands when you
buy our makeup, you almost-perfect creature, you.

The IOC Announces Addition of Mental Gymnastics to Olympic Summer Games in 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fox News, current favored star of the US
Mental Gymnastics Team, is gearing up for the most intense training of its’ career
as the Mueller investigation begins rolling out its first indictments Monday. While
other networks offered extensive coverage of Paul Manafort’s surrender to the
FBI, Fox News doubled down on their efforts to distract, deflect, and mislead
and instead spent 10 whole minutes at peak viewership time discussing a new
burger emoji found on Google. At first glance, anchors seemed uneasy and
visibly unsure, the network stayed the course and managed to pull off one of
the most incredible feats in Mental Gymnastics in recent memory. Leading the
charge with a new favored diversion method known around the Internet called “The
Cheeseburger,” this bold strategy garnered attention and admiration from the US
Mental Gymnastics Association, who is pinning the hope Fox News can go the
distance and bring home the gold in 2020. 

This Week in Headlines for October 30, 2017

Martha Stewart’s Recipe for Disaster
2. Local Fight for Best Haunted House Ends in Horror
3. Cheap Costumes Are Ruining the Fabric of America
4. Tech Bro Engineers ‘Soylent,’ Upholding Time-Honored Tradition of Avoiding
Human Food
5. Ladies: Don’t Be a Fucking Cunt About Feminism
6. After Drawn-Out Battle, Indian Burial Grounds to Be Awarded Reservation
7. Trending Twitter Hashtag Encourages Outdoor Activity
8. Coincidence of Hurricane Named After Shakespeare Play Lost on Untold Millions
9. New Rapunzel Tell-All: “I Don’t Just Let My Hair Down, I Let Down the People
in My Life”
10. Trump Declares Opioid Addiction A ‘National Crisis’ from Inside President’s
Chinese Opium Den

Local Fight for Best Haunted House Ends in Horror

MISSION VIEJO, CA – Residents of a sleepy Southern California town are shocked when
a seemingly friendly rivalry between local home haunters which ended in
bloodshed on Halloween night. Events came to a head Tuesday night after John
Bailey and Ralph Doolittle took to the streets to settle the outcome for who
won this year’s contest for “Best Overall Haunt.” What appeared to be high-quality
Halloween props turned out to be actual weapons after an argument came to blows
over a miscounted absentee ballot for Best Haunted House. The count was too
close to call, and when a tie-breaker was necessary, Mr Bailey began hurling
insults at Mr Doolittle’s “pathetic” display. What happened next was described
by eye-witnesses as the best live-action Halloween Haunt anyone had seen in
recent memory. Both Bailey and Doolittle were posthumously awarded a tie for “Best
in Gore” for 2017.