Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.

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Explorations in Metaphor: These Christmas Trees Are My NYE Resolutions

It is the third week of January in the New Year and I can’t even bother to pretend to keep my New Year’s Resolutions! Alack! Caught up in the rapturous thrill of shedding old habits like a skin– to be a different “you”! In truth, we all seek to be anything besides ourselves at a moment’s notice.

2018 promised a triumphant return to excellence! But, lo– it was not to be. Caught alight and turn to ash for 2016. Sculpted and hewed through the crucible of 2017. 2018 was to be OUR YEAR FOR CHANGE. Reality: you are a cruel mistress.  

Oh, irony: pinning hopes for a new “me” on a dying plant! Inevitable was the demise of those lofty, glittery resolutions, twinkling with the promise of a bright future. What once shone silvery with tinsel is now collected en-masse along-side the rest of humanity. Unceremoniously dumped upon the sidewalk.

Overburdened with lofty expectations and high hopes then promptly discarded! Left to dry out and wither in full view: shamed, naked. Stripped of trappings and sustenance. Folly! Am I never to escape the unending stream of life lessons? Or am I doomed to bear the brunt of a ceaseless stream– nay, a barrage– of mistakes?

In my heart, I know the answer. As certain as those ex-trees are decaying, I certainly know that I am forever ensconced in mistake, guilt, and failed resolutions. I am the tree. I am dead.

Monologue Jokes for the Week of 11.19

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week.

Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

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– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.”

In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”

Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”

If Google Translate Worked on Advertising

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English- Detected

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