Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.


Totally Not Tone-Deaf Video Game Marketing Tweets

Assassinate the competition with these sick new gaming peripherals!

Defile your way to the top when you wear these tight looking esports jerseys!

Surprise-murder your way into victory with ease when you purchase this sweet camo-skinned gaming console!

Shoot your way to the front-lines with this new first-person shooter game set in a real war that actually happened with real people, woah!

Get jacked and slay your way into the winner’s circle when you drink this energy drink made from real bull piss! Alright!

Fuel up and kill your enemies with death when you eat special gamer-engineered microwaveable snacks!

Obliterate the life from the opposition with this slick new gaming chair! Let’s go!

Crush the skulls of your enemies when you wear this special headgear designed to electromagnetically keep normal human functions at bay!

Relieve yourself AND the competition

when you buy this hella tight new gaming catheter!

Assault-rifle your way into the pages of history!