Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day to day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-nazi girl.

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyonce throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buy herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addition into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts. 

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2017: The Year of Progress

After so much scandal, it is so brave of Roy Moore to still
be in the running for Senate. If he’s elected, he’ll be the first openly pedophiliac
Republican in Congress! How progressive! How moving! How proud I am to be an
American! Gosh, who knew that 2017 would be the year pedos can “be out” about a
topic usually reserved for the criminally inclined and socially rejected? What
was previously taboo and universally thought of as disgraceful is now something
to be accepted, minimized, and glossed in favor of the bigger issue of partisan
politics! I mean, it’s better than a Democrat, amirite? 

We always hear liberals talk about how “openly gay people” can do things in the
military now, and “transgendered people have rights now because they’re still
technically humans I guess” … but what about the forgotten, discarded, and condemned
among us? Where are your liberal tendencies when it comes to sexual predators,
pedophiles, and racists? Hmmmm?

We shouldn’t discriminate against different types of predators out there! I say
we should promote inclusivity for everyone: gay, straight, old, young, pedos,
and pedants. I say we should embrace all manner of socially unfit folks and hold
them to different standards so long as they promote our own personal
opinionated agendas!

If we can have a sexual predator holding the highest office
in the land, then surely that kind of progressive thinking can extend to a Senator
for Alabama. 2017: the year of progress! What a time to be alive!

Monologue Jokes 11.22

Ajit Pai, Chairman of the FCC, was quoted last week as saying: “Ending net neutrality puts experts back in charge.” Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “They don’t suspect a thing…” 

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

The 36-year-old lawyer nominated by President Trump for a lifetime federal district judgeship who has never tried a case, was deemed “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, and failed to disclose that he has a history as a ghost hunter. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

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Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Totally Not Tone-Deaf Video Game Marketing Tweets

Assassinate the competition with these sick new gaming peripherals!

Defile your way to the top when you wear these tight looking esports jerseys!

Surprise-murder your way into victory with ease when you purchase this sweet camo-skinned gaming console!

Shoot your way to the front-lines with this new first-person shooter game set in a real war that actually happened with real people, woah!

Get jacked and slay your way into the winner’s circle when you drink this energy drink made from real bull piss! Alright!

Fuel up and kill your enemies with death when you eat special gamer-engineered microwaveable snacks!

Obliterate the life from the opposition with this slick new gaming chair! Let’s go!

Crush the skulls of your enemies when you wear this special headgear designed to electromagnetically keep normal human functions at bay!

Relieve yourself AND the competition

when you buy this hella tight new gaming catheter!

Assault-rifle your way into the pages of history! 

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