Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.


The IOC Announces Addition of Mental Gymnastics to Olympic Summer Games in 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fox News, current favored star of the US
Mental Gymnastics Team, is gearing up for the most intense training of its’ career
as the Mueller investigation begins rolling out its first indictments Monday. While
other networks offered extensive coverage of Paul Manafort’s surrender to the
FBI, Fox News doubled down on their efforts to distract, deflect, and mislead
and instead spent 10 whole minutes at peak viewership time discussing a new
burger emoji found on Google. At first glance, anchors seemed uneasy and
visibly unsure, the network stayed the course and managed to pull off one of
the most incredible feats in Mental Gymnastics in recent memory. Leading the
charge with a new favored diversion method known around the Internet called “The
Cheeseburger,” this bold strategy garnered attention and admiration from the US
Mental Gymnastics Association, who is pinning the hope Fox News can go the
distance and bring home the gold in 2020.