Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

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Headlines for the Week of November 5th, 2017

1. Overwhelming Number of Bricks Being Shit in White House Greenlights Mexico-US Wall Construction

2. HOA Imposes Strict New Rules on Female Bush Trimming

3. Trump Administration Admits Aliens Exist; Pledges Tough New Sanctions on Secret Anal Probing

4. Google To Implement Ad Copy Translator in 2018

5. Future Stalkers or Used Car Salesmen?

6. Alt-Right Movement to Use Call of Duty Video Game Set in WW2 to Weed Out “Undesirables”

7. Plains Zebras Join #MeToo Movement on Twitter: “We Just Want to Get to the Watering Hole in Peace!”

8. Feminists in 2017: “Thanks for Bringing Us Together, Mr. Trump!”

9. Facebook Pressured to Notify Users Exposed to Pro-Meth Propaganda

10. New Tiffany Trump Biopic: “I Ate Caviar as an After School Snack Because Daddy Wasn’t There”