Monologue Jokes 2.2.18

An Alabama man has been accused of repeatedly sexually molesting a horse after its owner believes she found evidence of his crimes left behind in a barn stall. The horse’s owners have since reported the addition of the Animal Chapter of the #MeToo Movement.

President Trump said that he wouldn’t call himself a “feminist” in a new interview with Piers Morgan, Morgan said Saturday. Most American’s wouldn’t call Trump a “president” either. 

An Indiana restaurant owner has been arrested on felony charges after a customer found a baggie of cocaine in their order of cheese sticks. According to police, the only reason the owner was arrested was because there wasn’t enough coke for everyone.

A New York pizzeria is offering a nontoxic alternative to the “Tide Pod Challenge” with mini pizzas created to resemble the laundry detergent pods. This wouldn’t be the first time a New York pizzeria has taken advantage of stupid people.

Trump claimed on Sunday polar ice caps are at “a record
level” despite ice caps reaching record low. According to the White House,
a record is still a record, and they’ll take a win where they can make one up.

Police in Florida said they arrested a man who was caught on camera stealing exotic fish from a pet store by shoving them down his pants, giving rise to a new meaning for blowfish.

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2017: The Year of Progress

After so much scandal, it is so brave of Roy Moore to still
be in the running for Senate. If he’s elected, he’ll be the first openly pedophiliac
Republican in Congress! How progressive! How moving! How proud I am to be an
American! Gosh, who knew that 2017 would be the year pedos can “be out” about a
topic usually reserved for the criminally inclined and socially rejected? What
was previously taboo and universally thought of as disgraceful is now something
to be accepted, minimized, and glossed in favor of the bigger issue of partisan
politics! I mean, it’s better than a Democrat, amirite? 

We always hear liberals talk about how “openly gay people” can do things in the
military now, and “transgendered people have rights now because they’re still
technically humans I guess” … but what about the forgotten, discarded, and condemned
among us? Where are your liberal tendencies when it comes to sexual predators,
pedophiles, and racists? Hmmmm?

We shouldn’t discriminate against different types of predators out there! I say
we should promote inclusivity for everyone: gay, straight, old, young, pedos,
and pedants. I say we should embrace all manner of socially unfit folks and hold
them to different standards so long as they promote our own personal
opinionated agendas!

If we can have a sexual predator holding the highest office
in the land, then surely that kind of progressive thinking can extend to a Senator
for Alabama. 2017: the year of progress! What a time to be alive!

Monologue Jokes 12.07.17

Police in Massachusetts have arrested two men they say ran a
prostitution ring out of a senior living facility. According to the old folks,
this gives rise to a new meaning for “Early Bird Special.”

The US has declared North Korea a State Sponsor of Terror. To
the delight of Terror, North Korea joins the other sponsors: Vlad the Impaler, Robespierre,
and Hitler.

Mike Huckabee says the media and congressional Democrats are
touting the guilty plea of Michael Flynn to “distract” the nation
from much more important issues. It was reported when he made this statement
that Mr Huckabee was looking in a mirror.

A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into a tree and light
pole before hitting a Florida beach and breaking his leg. According to the girl’s
mom, this has been the biggest let-down since figuring out Santa wasn’t real.

Police in Australia released security camera footage of a
man smashing his way into an adult entertainment store and absconding with a
life-sized sex doll. He was planning on doing another type of smashing later
that night.

I’M THE DUMPSTER FIRE YOU LEFT FOR TRUMP

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Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire. 

I know I said I could just leave things be
and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything
went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to
say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of
control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant
or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all
honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your
attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I
needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are
now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope
to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger
than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that.
And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that
the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was
right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now
look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as
well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full
now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not
like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so
goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks.
It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out
and have turned to ash. 

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard.
And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried
and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my
quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults.
Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess
you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener
pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you.
Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has
little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if
this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I
hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things
were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in
2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting.
Hoping.

I’M THE DUMPSTER FIRE YOU LEFT FOR TRUMP

Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Monologue Jokes 11.15.17

1. It’s impressive how committed President Trump is to his golf game; costing tax payers $77.7 million so far. I’m glad we can afford to pay him for his second job, as President of the United States.

2. Roy Moore, the senator-elect of Alabama who once said homosexuality is abhorrent, and immoral, is in hot water once again. Turns out the former Chief Justice who thinks gay people are child predators is now a child predator.

3. Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney said Wednesday that if the Republican tax plan contains any increases for middle-class Americans, President Donald Trump “will not sign it.” In other news, scientists have discovered a species of flying pig…