INBOX: URHCRWAFA March Newsletter 11:26 am

From the Office of Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda
Montgomery, Alabama 

Hey there fellow ravenous MAGA friends!

March is here already! Boy howdy does that time just fly when you’re busy Making America Great Again, right? We wanted to
start 2018 off with a unified, cohesive front to murder those lib-tards and their
anti-anti-intellectualism at the polls this November. This year is packed with so many rallies,
issues, and races, we felt some pointers for those of you who want to MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN are in order.

A few tips for staying in the “know”
ahead of a rally near you:

1. Vote Republican over everything else. It’s all that matters.
2. State-sanctioned Fox News is the official outlet for all information! SHARE
on Facebook!
3. Don’t leave your house unless necessary. This instills fear in your neighbors.
It’s real easy, and real effective.  
4. Terrorize those around you so they’ll get used to being controlled. It goes
a long way in keeping them from asking questions.

Rally-Goes:
We’ve noticed a rather alarming lack of enthusiasm and “Patriot Swag” at President
Trump’s rallies over the last few months. To those of you who are not within
code, please be reminded of section 2a Article i of the URHCRWAFA Charter
which states in part: there must be a ratio of 2:1 Trump/MAGA merch per 100
people per event. We highly encourage patriotic wear.

Remember: if you don’t
comply with the Charter, you will not receive your free box of ANTHROPLEX supplements and free box of AR-15 ammo.
We do not tolerate non-compliance. Join the librul snowflakes if you want to
think on your own!

Remember: Discredit, Discredit,
Discredit!
Trumpism only works if you discredit bodies of factual
evidence outright, so keep those Tweets coming, people! Nothing pisses off
those liberals more than blatant disregard for mountains of evidence, so KEEP
IT UP!! You’re all doing a real good job!

A few last thoughts:
1. We’ll be sending around a second email this month with pre-made rally
signs for everyone in your family. Keep an eye out for that letter coming next
week.
2. No babysitting available at our rallies! You made the choice to have children!
Let your wife manage them while you’re our MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Better yet:
print out our new baby- and toddler-safe MAGA signs coming in the next newsletter! Fun for the whole family!
3. If Trump and his Glorious Dawn is going to work, it’s
better if everyone submits and complies sooner rather than later. We have a
country to make great again, people!

Thanks for reading! We’ll see you at the next PRESIDENT TRUMP GLORIOUS LEADER
RALLY!!

MAGA!!!!!

Sincerely,
Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda

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Monologue Jokes 12.07.17

Police in Massachusetts have arrested two men they say ran a
prostitution ring out of a senior living facility. According to the old folks,
this gives rise to a new meaning for “Early Bird Special.”

The US has declared North Korea a State Sponsor of Terror. To
the delight of Terror, North Korea joins the other sponsors: Vlad the Impaler, Robespierre,
and Hitler.

Mike Huckabee says the media and congressional Democrats are
touting the guilty plea of Michael Flynn to “distract” the nation
from much more important issues. It was reported when he made this statement
that Mr Huckabee was looking in a mirror.

A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into a tree and light
pole before hitting a Florida beach and breaking his leg. According to the girl’s
mom, this has been the biggest let-down since figuring out Santa wasn’t real.

Police in Australia released security camera footage of a
man smashing his way into an adult entertainment store and absconding with a
life-sized sex doll. He was planning on doing another type of smashing later
that night.

I’M THE DUMPSTER FIRE YOU LEFT FOR TRUMP

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Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire. 

I know I said I could just leave things be
and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything
went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to
say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of
control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant
or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all
honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your
attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I
needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are
now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope
to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger
than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that.
And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that
the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was
right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now
look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as
well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full
now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not
like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so
goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks.
It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out
and have turned to ash. 

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard.
And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried
and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my
quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults.
Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess
you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener
pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you.
Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has
little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if
this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I
hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things
were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in
2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting.
Hoping.

I’M THE DUMPSTER FIRE YOU LEFT FOR TRUMP

Hey. Hi. It’s me. Your former flame. Your ex dumpster fire.

I know I said I could just leave things be and get on with my life, but I’ve had some time to think about how everything went down last November. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s something I’ve been needing to say.

I know what I was. I know I wasn’t easy. I was out of control sometimes. I know I ran hot and cold, and that couldn’t have been pleasant or fun to watch as I went through my roller coaster pattern. But in all honesty: I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not really. All I ever wanted was your attention. All I ever needed was to be validated and approved of. Turns out, I needed to validate and approve of myself. It wasn’t you.

And now, you’ve moved on. I know you have. I see how you are now. These past 12 months have really shown how different things are. I can’t hope to hold a candle to what consumes you and holds your interests. I know he’s bigger than me, that he’s far more interesting and puts on a better show. Hell, every day is a fresh new fire, more unholy than the day before, and you just can’t look away. I know that. And you know what? I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it’s come to this.

It’s my fault. I played with fire and you got burned. And I knew, before I did, that the minute I burned you you’d leave so fast my head would spin. And I was right. How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy, huh? Jeez Louise. And now look at the mess we’re all in. There’s so much distance between us, we might as well be strangers. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss that. I miss you.

I know this will fall of deaf ears. Your life is so full now, I don’t expect there will ever be a place for me in your life again. Not like it was, and we can’t go back. I don’t blame you. Really. But I’m just so goddamned sorry. I wasn’t my best. You never got the best of me, and that sucks. It sucks for you because you got the worse deal, and of course you left. You weren’t getting your needs met. You had to leave me for you. You had to leave the memories which have just fizzled out and have turned to ash.

I know I wasn’t good enough for you. But I tried real hard. And I think that’s where I went astray. I tried and therein lies the rub. I shouldn’t have tried to be anything but me, with my quaint idiosyncrasies, stubborn quirks, annoying habits, and disgusting faults. Everything. I should have just been me. Take it or leave it. And, well. I guess you made your choice. I made my bed and now, I must lay in it. And now, you have fresh fires every day, and you don’t want for excitement, abject horror, and incredulity you desperately crave to distract you from your own life.

I was wrong to think I could keep you around, but, you’re off to greener pastures, and while I wish nothing but the best for you two, I do miss you. Every day. Don’t think I don’t. Without you around, life seemingly has little purpose. The light has gone out, and I sit alone wondering if this is how it’s supposed to be, if this is how it’s going to be, forever. I hope not.

I hope, with enough time, you’ll see just how special things were. When it was just us two: intimate, close, happy. When this is all over in 2020, perhaps we can give it another go? Until then, I’ll be here. Waiting. Hoping.

Monologue Jokes 11.22

Ajit Pai, Chairman of the FCC, was quoted last week as saying: “Ending net neutrality puts experts back in charge.” Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “They don’t suspect a thing…” 

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

The 36-year-old lawyer nominated by President Trump for a lifetime federal district judgeship who has never tried a case, was deemed “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, and failed to disclose that he has a history as a ghost hunter. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

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Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.