INBOX: URHCRWAFA March Newsletter 11:26 am

From the Office of Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda
Montgomery, Alabama 

Hey there fellow ravenous MAGA friends!

March is here already! Boy howdy does that time just fly when you’re busy Making America Great Again, right? We wanted to
start 2018 off with a unified, cohesive front to murder those lib-tards and their
anti-anti-intellectualism at the polls this November. This year is packed with so many rallies,
issues, and races, we felt some pointers for those of you who want to MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN are in order.

A few tips for staying in the “know”
ahead of a rally near you:

1. Vote Republican over everything else. It’s all that matters.
2. State-sanctioned Fox News is the official outlet for all information! SHARE
on Facebook!
3. Don’t leave your house unless necessary. This instills fear in your neighbors.
It’s real easy, and real effective.  
4. Terrorize those around you so they’ll get used to being controlled. It goes
a long way in keeping them from asking questions.

Rally-Goes:
We’ve noticed a rather alarming lack of enthusiasm and “Patriot Swag” at President
Trump’s rallies over the last few months. To those of you who are not within
code, please be reminded of section 2a Article i of the URHCRWAFA Charter
which states in part: there must be a ratio of 2:1 Trump/MAGA merch per 100
people per event. We highly encourage patriotic wear.

Remember: if you don’t
comply with the Charter, you will not receive your free box of ANTHROPLEX supplements and free box of AR-15 ammo.
We do not tolerate non-compliance. Join the librul snowflakes if you want to
think on your own!

Remember: Discredit, Discredit,
Discredit!
Trumpism only works if you discredit bodies of factual
evidence outright, so keep those Tweets coming, people! Nothing pisses off
those liberals more than blatant disregard for mountains of evidence, so KEEP
IT UP!! You’re all doing a real good job!

A few last thoughts:
1. We’ll be sending around a second email this month with pre-made rally
signs for everyone in your family. Keep an eye out for that letter coming next
week.
2. No babysitting available at our rallies! You made the choice to have children!
Let your wife manage them while you’re our MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Better yet:
print out our new baby- and toddler-safe MAGA signs coming in the next newsletter! Fun for the whole family!
3. If Trump and his Glorious Dawn is going to work, it’s
better if everyone submits and complies sooner rather than later. We have a
country to make great again, people!

Thanks for reading! We’ll see you at the next PRESIDENT TRUMP GLORIOUS LEADER
RALLY!!

MAGA!!!!!

Sincerely,
Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda

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2017: The Year of Progress

After so much scandal, it is so brave of Roy Moore to still
be in the running for Senate. If he’s elected, he’ll be the first openly pedophiliac
Republican in Congress! How progressive! How moving! How proud I am to be an
American! Gosh, who knew that 2017 would be the year pedos can “be out” about a
topic usually reserved for the criminally inclined and socially rejected? What
was previously taboo and universally thought of as disgraceful is now something
to be accepted, minimized, and glossed in favor of the bigger issue of partisan
politics! I mean, it’s better than a Democrat, amirite? 

We always hear liberals talk about how “openly gay people” can do things in the
military now, and “transgendered people have rights now because they’re still
technically humans I guess” … but what about the forgotten, discarded, and condemned
among us? Where are your liberal tendencies when it comes to sexual predators,
pedophiles, and racists? Hmmmm?

We shouldn’t discriminate against different types of predators out there! I say
we should promote inclusivity for everyone: gay, straight, old, young, pedos,
and pedants. I say we should embrace all manner of socially unfit folks and hold
them to different standards so long as they promote our own personal
opinionated agendas!

If we can have a sexual predator holding the highest office
in the land, then surely that kind of progressive thinking can extend to a Senator
for Alabama. 2017: the year of progress! What a time to be alive!

Monologue Jokes 12.07.17

Police in Massachusetts have arrested two men they say ran a
prostitution ring out of a senior living facility. According to the old folks,
this gives rise to a new meaning for “Early Bird Special.”

The US has declared North Korea a State Sponsor of Terror. To
the delight of Terror, North Korea joins the other sponsors: Vlad the Impaler, Robespierre,
and Hitler.

Mike Huckabee says the media and congressional Democrats are
touting the guilty plea of Michael Flynn to “distract” the nation
from much more important issues. It was reported when he made this statement
that Mr Huckabee was looking in a mirror.

A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into a tree and light
pole before hitting a Florida beach and breaking his leg. According to the girl’s
mom, this has been the biggest let-down since figuring out Santa wasn’t real.

Police in Australia released security camera footage of a
man smashing his way into an adult entertainment store and absconding with a
life-sized sex doll. He was planning on doing another type of smashing later
that night.

Monologue Jokes 11.22

Ajit Pai, Chairman of the FCC, was quoted last week as saying: “Ending net neutrality puts experts back in charge.” Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “They don’t suspect a thing…” 

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

The 36-year-old lawyer nominated by President Trump for a lifetime federal district judgeship who has never tried a case, was deemed “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, and failed to disclose that he has a history as a ghost hunter. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

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Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.