2017: The Year of Progress

After so much scandal, it is so brave of Roy Moore to still
be in the running for Senate. If he’s elected, he’ll be the first openly pedophiliac
Republican in Congress! How progressive! How moving! How proud I am to be an
American! Gosh, who knew that 2017 would be the year pedos can “be out” about a
topic usually reserved for the criminally inclined and socially rejected? What
was previously taboo and universally thought of as disgraceful is now something
to be accepted, minimized, and glossed in favor of the bigger issue of partisan
politics! I mean, it’s better than a Democrat, amirite? 

We always hear liberals talk about how “openly gay people” can do things in the
military now, and “transgendered people have rights now because they’re still
technically humans I guess” … but what about the forgotten, discarded, and condemned
among us? Where are your liberal tendencies when it comes to sexual predators,
pedophiles, and racists? Hmmmm?

We shouldn’t discriminate against different types of predators out there! I say
we should promote inclusivity for everyone: gay, straight, old, young, pedos,
and pedants. I say we should embrace all manner of socially unfit folks and hold
them to different standards so long as they promote our own personal
opinionated agendas!

If we can have a sexual predator holding the highest office
in the land, then surely that kind of progressive thinking can extend to a Senator
for Alabama. 2017: the year of progress! What a time to be alive!

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Monologue Jokes 12.07.17

Police in Massachusetts have arrested two men they say ran a
prostitution ring out of a senior living facility. According to the old folks,
this gives rise to a new meaning for “Early Bird Special.”

The US has declared North Korea a State Sponsor of Terror. To
the delight of Terror, North Korea joins the other sponsors: Vlad the Impaler, Robespierre,
and Hitler.

Mike Huckabee says the media and congressional Democrats are
touting the guilty plea of Michael Flynn to “distract” the nation
from much more important issues. It was reported when he made this statement
that Mr Huckabee was looking in a mirror.

A skydiving Santa looking to make a grand entrance while
taking an Elf on the Shelf to a 9-year-old girl crashed into a tree and light
pole before hitting a Florida beach and breaking his leg. According to the girl’s
mom, this has been the biggest let-down since figuring out Santa wasn’t real.

Police in Australia released security camera footage of a
man smashing his way into an adult entertainment store and absconding with a
life-sized sex doll. He was planning on doing another type of smashing later
that night.

Monologue Jokes 11.22

Ajit Pai, Chairman of the FCC, was quoted last week as saying: “Ending net neutrality puts experts back in charge.” Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “They don’t suspect a thing…” 

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

The 36-year-old lawyer nominated by President Trump for a lifetime federal district judgeship who has never tried a case, was deemed “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, and failed to disclose that he has a history as a ghost hunter. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

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Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.

Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Monologue Jokes for the Week of 11.19

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week.

Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

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– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.”

In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

Monologue Jokes 11.15.17

1. It’s impressive how committed President Trump is to his golf game; costing tax payers $77.7 million so far. I’m glad we can afford to pay him for his second job, as President of the United States.

2. Roy Moore, the senator-elect of Alabama who once said homosexuality is abhorrent, and immoral, is in hot water once again. Turns out the former Chief Justice who thinks gay people are child predators is now a child predator.

3. Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney said Wednesday that if the Republican tax plan contains any increases for middle-class Americans, President Donald Trump “will not sign it.” In other news, scientists have discovered a species of flying pig…