Things Dudes Should Totally Keep Doing

Hey fellas, it’s been a hot minute since the whole #MeToo thing started so
I felt it was time we circle back around, have a pow-wow, and give you some
pointers on what you’re doing super
well. It’s only fair in this climate what with being afraid to be alone with us
these days. So here are some ideas for things you guys should totally keep doing.

Catcalling/Honking
What girl doesn’t love being scared shitless by a bleating honk? And we totally
feel so flattered by your catcalling all the time regardless of what we’re
wearing. It obviously works, because even though it seems like we get upset and roll our eyes, we are totally just playing
hard to get. So clearly, when faced with stonewalling, you should keep doing it
with increasing intensity. We find ambiguity works really well in scoring with
men.

Vulturing
Circling us in any wheeled vehicle makes us feel super weak and powerless. Obviously,
we love that feeling, because that
means you can then swoop in and save us (and we all just want dudes to rescue
us all the time, so we can quit work to sit at home eating bon-bons and taking Insta
selfies.) Sure, you’re saving us from you being a gross predator, but it’s not
like we’re smart enough to know that!

Unsolicited Opinions
We love when you tell us what we should do, and how we should dress. Look, it’s
not like we are wearing low-cut shirts because we love our décolletages or
think ladies have cool fashion sense. Everything we do from the moment we wake up
to the moment we hit the sheets is for your attention. Sure, you may not know
the difference between a smokey eye and a perfectly winged liner, but that doesn’t
matter. It’s for you anyway! Nothing feels better than seeking validation from
a gender who can’t tell when we cut our goddammed hair.

Gaslighting
Mmmm… it feels just so good when you
tell us how wrong we are for feeling sad or hurt, or any other range of
emotions felt by human beings. Nothing gets us going more than being dismissed
constantly. I mean, we have periods, after all. And those yucky things get our
hormones all wacko, so it’s probably not too far a stretch to think that our
sad feelings are irrationally connected to our estrogen levels. Tip: we fucking
love hearing “I’m sorry if…” Not only do you look super manly
by passing the blame off on us for reacting emotionally, but you also never
really apologize so that means you’re always right. Fucking hot.  

Knowing how to be a decent human being isn’t always easy in
this quasi-pre-post- #MeToo movement. We hope this helps you navigate the tricky
waters without fear of being wrongly accused of being a total cock.

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INBOX: URHCRWAFA March Newsletter 11:26 am

From the Office of Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda
Montgomery, Alabama 

Hey there fellow ravenous MAGA friends!

March is here already! Boy howdy does that time just fly when you’re busy Making America Great Again, right? We wanted to
start 2018 off with a unified, cohesive front to murder those lib-tards and their
anti-anti-intellectualism at the polls this November. This year is packed with so many rallies,
issues, and races, we felt some pointers for those of you who want to MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN are in order.

A few tips for staying in the “know”
ahead of a rally near you:

1. Vote Republican over everything else. It’s all that matters.
2. State-sanctioned Fox News is the official outlet for all information! SHARE
on Facebook!
3. Don’t leave your house unless necessary. This instills fear in your neighbors.
It’s real easy, and real effective.  
4. Terrorize those around you so they’ll get used to being controlled. It goes
a long way in keeping them from asking questions.

Rally-Goes:
We’ve noticed a rather alarming lack of enthusiasm and “Patriot Swag” at President
Trump’s rallies over the last few months. To those of you who are not within
code, please be reminded of section 2a Article i of the URHCRWAFA Charter
which states in part: there must be a ratio of 2:1 Trump/MAGA merch per 100
people per event. We highly encourage patriotic wear.

Remember: if you don’t
comply with the Charter, you will not receive your free box of ANTHROPLEX supplements and free box of AR-15 ammo.
We do not tolerate non-compliance. Join the librul snowflakes if you want to
think on your own!

Remember: Discredit, Discredit,
Discredit!
Trumpism only works if you discredit bodies of factual
evidence outright, so keep those Tweets coming, people! Nothing pisses off
those liberals more than blatant disregard for mountains of evidence, so KEEP
IT UP!! You’re all doing a real good job!

A few last thoughts:
1. We’ll be sending around a second email this month with pre-made rally
signs for everyone in your family. Keep an eye out for that letter coming next
week.
2. No babysitting available at our rallies! You made the choice to have children!
Let your wife manage them while you’re our MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Better yet:
print out our new baby- and toddler-safe MAGA signs coming in the next newsletter! Fun for the whole family!
3. If Trump and his Glorious Dawn is going to work, it’s
better if everyone submits and complies sooner rather than later. We have a
country to make great again, people!

Thanks for reading! We’ll see you at the next PRESIDENT TRUMP GLORIOUS LEADER
RALLY!!

MAGA!!!!!

Sincerely,
Phil T. Jones
Chair of the United Republicans for Homeland Cleansing &
Reconstructing White America First Agenda

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100% Logical Reasons Why You Should Have an Artist for a Girlfriend

Dudes: we know the term “artist” is a loaded word. And yet, your dick can’t
help it: you like the crazy. It’s exciting! Like letting a Tasmanian Devil loose
on your peanut butter-covered kielbasa. But we’ve all heard the ol’ adage: don’t
stick your dick in crazy. Well, horse-feathers to that, this is 2018
motherfuckers! In case your friends are leaning heavily towards an intervention
for your sanity and the health of your 100% all-beef thermometer, we’ve got a
list of reasons why you should be dating
that hot artist chick who works part-time at a café.

Living with her would be a breeze!
In between those tumultuous, hurricane-like fits of emotionally trying
meltdowns, life with an artist can be worthwhile, and sometimes even fun! Sure,
you gotta hunker down behind a couch and throw chocolate bars and wine at your
artist lady when she goes ape-shit because “no one understands” more than a few
times a week. But your house would look awesome and clean, and let’s be real:
the woman can cook. It’s a net-neutral
in our book!

Your sex-life would be the object of
envy with your dude-bros.
Let’s face it: most of your friends complain incessantly about how little
sex they get. Well, they clearly aren’t dating an artist! Artists are known for
being emotionally unstable and sexually versatile which means quality and quantity! You won’t be hearing any
of that “You want me to do WHAT?” bullshit from your artist girlfriend! You’d
be hard-pressed to find a time when your trouser meat had that much attention.

Her overthinking tendencies
could power a locomotive!
Sure, we may think we want someone who is easy to get along with, but that’s
proven to be boring in the long-run. An artist over-analyzes, over-thinks, self-destructs,
and cries constantly, but with that comes self-awareness! Who doesn’t love a
chick who knows when she’s being a
neurotic cupcake! Silver lining? She’ll feel bad about mistreating you when you
gaslight her, so she’ll be sure to give your yogurt slinger some extra love. Yes!!

Artists eschew “mainstream”
commerce! 
Once your artist girlfriend teaches you the meaning of “eschew,” you’ll be
grateful knowing your wallet is safe! Artists are infamous for being contrary,
and your girlfriend is no exception. She shops at thrift stores! And while this
may be an issue for you if you decide to take her to a fancy dinner, rest
assured she’s got a “Fancy Person Dinner Costume” for just the occasion. The
only down-side to that is the boner-shrinking attribution of “costume” to
normal clothes, but with the post-champagne knob-slobbing that’ll happen, it’s
not that bad. 

We’ve taken the myth out of what it’s like dating an artist, and while your
sanity may still be in question, what’s not in question is the copious amounts
of copulating that’ll happen if you decide to throw caution to the wind. Good
luck, fellas!

Gift Ideas for Your Angry, Overly-Feminist Girlfriend

It’s been a rough year for us dudes: what with the whole paradigm shift in society cramping our style and the “#MeToo” movement castrating what was once a perfectly acceptable swagger into something decidedly less male. There’s just no telling what’s gonna set girls off these days! They’re all over the map, emotionally unstable, and we just can’t win. While we can’t predict what’s going to piss off your girlfriend from day-to-day, we can give you some fool-proof gift ideas that will be sure to score a solid with your increasingly angry, fem-Nazi lady

1. Feminist-Slogan Pin/Shirt/Jacket
Nothing empowers women like objects with empowering “feminist AF” slogans on them. So why not give her a bunch of things she can wear on her once-hot body to show the world how much of a feminist she is? Chicks love clothes. Chicks love it more when you buy into their mantras. Plus, by giving her “Feminist-Slogan” objects, what you’re really saying is “I am as into this whole cute fad as much as you are as this object shows.” No rallies necessary when you have a catchy slogan t-shirt in hand! Just be sure to set up boundaries on when she can display her Beyoncé throw pillows (read: def not on poker night with the guys. Gross buzzkill!)

2. Gift Certificate to Good Vibrations
Science alert! Every girl wants to feel like a super sexy porn star all the time, so your girl will totally appreciate that slinky new baby-doll nightie or whatever. Plus it’s not like her hairy legs are turning you on: it’s been a little rough ever since bae decided to stop caring about your needs. Be sure to go with her to make sure she doesn’t end up going off the rails and buys herself that giant dildo and “porn for women” (aka not really porn). What a kill-joy! Steer her in the right direction, fellas! Girls like it when they don’t have to come up with difficult ideas and solutions, anyway. Prepare for shopping times with a list of compliments and sensible shoes. You know how girls can get!

3. Cork-Making Kit
If your girl is like every other gal out there, chances are she drinks a lot of wine. Whether she’s coping with her period or her roller coaster emotions, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is curbing her reckless spending, and making use of her cute crafty habits. A Cork Making Kit would be perfect for any little lady looking to finally put her Pintrest board to good use, and stop wasting your hard-earned money! Plus, corks can be used for all kinds of things besides stopping the flow of wine: stopping the flow of her period, stopping the flow of her nagging words… the possibilities are endless! Plus, she gets to contribute to the house (finally) and turn her addiction into a possible business. Ain’t that cute!

4. A “Free Pass” with her boss
Quick hypothetical: if your girl could theoretically sleep her way to the top of her department and become the boss she’s always going on and on (and on) about, would you let her do it? Sure, that double-standard sucks and you can’t bang your way into your own office, but would you hold your girl back from it? Consider the upsides: less bitching, more money, and then there’s the whole “Well, you got a free pass, so where’s mine? I deserve one, too” argument that’s definitely a win. Plus, everyone knows women really want a quick and easy way to success, and if it’s in your power to do so, why not? Isn’t that feminism in action? Everyone wins! Just like in Vietnam!

These are just a few ideas to get you going, and there’s obviously more out there if you just use your imagination for your girlfriend, because it’s clear she isn’t! Teach her that the Patriarchy is still going strong, and so is your relationship with these thoughtful gifts.

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Monologue Jokes 2.2.18

An Alabama man has been accused of repeatedly sexually molesting a horse after its owner believes she found evidence of his crimes left behind in a barn stall. The horse’s owners have since reported the addition of the Animal Chapter of the #MeToo Movement.

President Trump said that he wouldn’t call himself a “feminist” in a new interview with Piers Morgan, Morgan said Saturday. Most American’s wouldn’t call Trump a “president” either. 

An Indiana restaurant owner has been arrested on felony charges after a customer found a baggie of cocaine in their order of cheese sticks. According to police, the only reason the owner was arrested was because there wasn’t enough coke for everyone.

A New York pizzeria is offering a nontoxic alternative to the “Tide Pod Challenge” with mini pizzas created to resemble the laundry detergent pods. This wouldn’t be the first time a New York pizzeria has taken advantage of stupid people.

Trump claimed on Sunday polar ice caps are at “a record
level” despite ice caps reaching record low. According to the White House,
a record is still a record, and they’ll take a win where they can make one up.

Police in Florida said they arrested a man who was caught on camera stealing exotic fish from a pet store by shoving them down his pants, giving rise to a new meaning for blowfish.

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Ornithological Observations of Online Dating, an Introduction

The number of potential males found in the dating pool is staggering. Like the noble, iconic peacock (or sundry brightly-feathered tropical birds doing similar-wise for that matter), the myriad ways in which they display themselves is diverse and fascinating. So many potential mates in the world! On a human level, one understands: of course you would wish to present the best of yourself! Dazzling, immaculately plumed images made to entice a mate to your side. All in the hopes of building a huge, Bald Eagle-type nest to rival all others in the area.

Please do understand: I am by no means besmirching the age-old art of attraction.

Ornithologically, it is well-known females generally have more to lose when mating with an inferior male. Taking the lead from our fine feathered friends, to make sense of mating displays and weed out the genetic undesirable mates, like Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum I have come to take inventory and categorize. For science.

– Dudes with Dogs (identified via copious, adorable dog photos)

– Dudes with Other Animals (varieties include: cats, sloths, giraffes, dolphins, etc.)

– Nude Dudes (varieties include: butt-shots, abs-shots, flexing-in-mirror shots)

– Mirror Selfie Men (identified by clothed male reflection in a mirror)

– “How Are You?” Guys (applies only to first message contact; subsequent messages excluded)

– Music Fest Dudes (identifying features include messy hair, large crowds, PBR, inebriation, Coachella)

– Outdoor Dudes (identified via any and all activity outdoors; varieties include camping, rock climbing, hiking, jumping off waterfalls, surfing, etc.)

– Tech Bros (variety of images identified so far: ubiquitous plaid shirt photo, glasses, mentions software in profile copy)

– Deep Dudes (identified via poetry quotes in profile copy, meditation in profile copy)

– Yoga/Meditation Guys (identified via chiseled physique, shirtless headstands, Warrior 2 beach shots, manbuns)

– Sports Dudes (varieties identified so far: volley ball, basketball, boccie ball; pending further observation & research)

– Car Dudes (variety of images found include go-karts, racing cars, motorcycles, limos, etc.)

– “Foodie” Dudes (hypothesis: the larger the plate of food, the better? 34 days, no tangible results)

– Vague/Mysterious Dudes (identified via no profile picture/no profile copy)

– Axe To Grind Dudes (identified via emotionally negative dating profile listing ultimatums, demands, mansplaining expectations, rules, dos/don’ts, blatant egoism, shirking responsibility, and emotional avoidism)

This concludes the first cursory study of males found in the online dating community. Subsequent entries of this sort will refer back to this initial document for cataloging purposes; later tagging and sorting features applied as further research concludes.

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Explorations in Metaphor: These Christmas Trees Are My NYE Resolutions

It is the third week of January in the New Year and I can’t even bother to pretend to keep my New Year’s Resolutions! Alack! Caught up in the rapturous thrill of shedding old habits like a skin– to be a different “you”! In truth, we all seek to be anything besides ourselves at a moment’s notice.

2018 promised a triumphant return to excellence! But, lo– it was not to be. Caught alight and turn to ash for 2016. Sculpted and hewed through the crucible of 2017. 2018 was to be OUR YEAR FOR CHANGE. Reality: you are a cruel mistress.  

Oh, irony: pinning hopes for a new “me” on a dying plant! Inevitable was the demise of those lofty, glittery resolutions, twinkling with the promise of a bright future. What once shone silvery with tinsel is now collected en-masse along-side the rest of humanity. Unceremoniously dumped upon the sidewalk.

Overburdened with lofty expectations and high hopes then promptly discarded! Left to dry out and wither in full view: shamed, naked. Stripped of trappings and sustenance. Folly! Am I never to escape the unending stream of life lessons? Or am I doomed to bear the brunt of a ceaseless stream– nay, a barrage– of mistakes?

In my heart, I know the answer. As certain as those ex-trees are decaying, I certainly know that I am forever ensconced in mistake, guilt, and failed resolutions. I am the tree. I am dead.