Monologue Jokes for 11.22.17

FCC’s Ajit Pai: Ending Net Neutrality Puts Experts Back in Charge. Pai then began rubbing his hands together and was heard muttering: “they don’t suspect a thing…”

President Donald Trump on Tuesday appeared to discount allegations of sexual misconduct by GOP Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore — repeatedly saying the former judge “totally denies it — you have to listen to him also.” When asked about the 16 allegations against himself, Trump screamed “SMOKE BOMB” and ran away.

President Trump has picked a ghost hunter to be a federal judge. According to Trump, the appointment is to focus on seeking out and capturing all spooks in the general vicinity.

‘I Don’t Believe in Science,’ Says Flat-Earther Set To Launch Himself In Own Rocket. Unsurprisingly, the irony of using science to build a rocket to disprove belief in science is lost.

President Trump’s recent support of embattled Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused by multiple women of improper sexual conduct when they were teenagers, said he “sees himself in Moore.” That’s funny because Roy Moore sees himself inside of children.


Monologue Jokes 11.21.17

– CIA’s Mike Pompeo is not inviting the media to his Christmas Party. According to his mom, he has also uninvited them to his Ninja Turtles sleepover birthday party.

– Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Sunday said he was flattered when critics compared him and his wife to James Bond villains after a photo of them showing off newly printed dollar bills surfaced last week. Apparently, he has now taken to sitting in a high-backed leather chair petting a cat, and insists on being called Dr. No Taxes.

– The US Navy has grounded the crew that made a vulgar drawing of male genitals in the sky. Their moms are being quoted as saying “If you can’t say anything nice with your E/A-18 Growler, don’t say anything at all.”

– An Ohio lawmaker was reported as being “all over Craigslist” looking for other men during his stay in DC for the Republican National Convention. In related news, Grindr has unveiled plans to increase load capacity in preparation for the next RNC.

– Republican Senator Tim Scott reiterated his call for GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore to step aside & “find something else to do.” In his new “Family Values” campaign, Moore promptly announced his “Make Pedophilia Correct” initiative.

The IOC Announces Addition of Mental Gymnastics to Olympic Summer Games in 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fox News, current favored star of the US
Mental Gymnastics Team, is gearing up for the most intense training of its’ career
as the Mueller investigation begins rolling out its first indictments Monday. While
other networks offered extensive coverage of Paul Manafort’s surrender to the
FBI, Fox News doubled down on their efforts to distract, deflect, and mislead
and instead spent 10 whole minutes at peak viewership time discussing a new
burger emoji found on Google. At first glance, anchors seemed uneasy and
visibly unsure, the network stayed the course and managed to pull off one of
the most incredible feats in Mental Gymnastics in recent memory. Leading the
charge with a new favored diversion method known around the Internet called “The
Cheeseburger,” this bold strategy garnered attention and admiration from the US
Mental Gymnastics Association, who is pinning the hope Fox News can go the
distance and bring home the gold in 2020. 

Russian Twitter Bots Create Accidental Unity In the U.S.

Baltimore, MD. – Evidence points to Russian oligarchs buying ad space on Facebook, knowing where and how to target users for maximum impact ostensibly to create chaos in the United States, but that scare tactic appears to be failing. On a massive level. The ads focus on blowing racial tensions way out of the water, and creating a deep divide where there clearly wasn’t much of one before. “Everything was hunky-dory,” says lifelong Baltimore resident Joe Brown. “Really, things were great. On the up-and-up, I’d say. We all just had a giant city-wide picnic where we held hands. Hank brought his guitar, and we all sang.”

Not only is there mounting evidence for Russian ad-space on social media promoting racially charged propaganda, there is also increasing reports of socially active Twitter accounts being under the rule of the Ruskies. “Blacktivist” social media accounts promoting gun rights and “whitey scare tactics” have also been linked to the Russian government, undermining the Black Lives Matter movement and generally, stirring the pot when everyone is just trying to hunker down and survive the current administration.

The media has been losing credibility with the public in recent months, and with this new development discrediting black activists on Twitter, people are more united than ever. “Look, we are doing just fine here. Black and white folks just existing, albeit with mild terror not due to race or immigrants or anything. We’re all scared because of the unhinged rich guy in the Oval Office and I think that is something everyone can get behind,” Brown harrumphs before catching his bus to make it to his second janitor job on time.